A Late Truth

Hello, after such a long time. All these times, I've been pretending to consider this blog as my diary of sorts, where I write whatever that's in my mind. But I must confess, I haven't been entirely frank. There has been something which I have kept hidden so far. There is a reason for it. But before all that, let me put you out of your misery. The thing I've kept hidden so far, is the universal thing known as love. And don't get me wrong, obviously I love my family and all, but this love is the love for another girl.

Let me tell you one thing, I have not, and I do not plan to tell my feelings to her any time soon, and I won't go into the why, suffice it to say that if I open up any time soon, things can go bad not just for me, but for her also. I don't want her to suffer because of me, so I'll wait till the time is right. Here's what I think. I think that she is perfect, atleast to me. She is kind hearted, she is beautiful, she is nice, she is dedicated, she is loving, and she has amazing values. The first time I met her, I didn't even imagine that I would fall in love with her. Later, I tried convincing myself that its just a crush, and it'll pass, but it didn't. With every passing day, I keep thinking more and more about her. The thought of her voice, her smiling face calms my senses.

Yesterday, my grandmother had a haemorrhage. After her getting admitted to the hospital, for some unknown reason, I couldn't feel anything, not sorrow, not fear, not anger, nothing. But later, as my thoughts went back to her, I started feeling better. I felt optimistic that I wasn't an emotionless robot, and that maybe my numbness was normal. Many times, even when I'm full of negativity, thinking about her enlightens me, and I feel like I'm weightless, flying in the air (okay, don't laugh, the weightless thing was meant to be a metaphor). I feel overjoyed. Every time I chat with her, see her picture, see her personally, talk to her and hear her beautiful and reassuring voice, I sometimes regret that I can't tell her how much I love her, but I still pray that one day, she'll understand. I also have the illusion that if she says no (the bar is tipped toward it), then I'll calmly convince myself that its for some unknown but valid reason, but then, I can't lie or hide the fact that I'll be filled with grief.

Many times, I've tried to show my true self to her, my subtle self, my patient self, my philosophical self. But in the end, all that comes out is a loud mouthed, blabbering, abusing fool. Maybe I've lost any chance of her liking me, but still, I hope that I'll one day be able to hug her, and whisper into her ears the three magic words -"I love you", and maybe, just maybe, she'll forget my faults and mistakes, and say "I love you too". After all, what's the harm in hoping and dreaming?