War Inside My Head

Cancer. It’s a disease, one of the worst at that. It proves that the ticking clock of life has a deadline. The lucky ones have the luxury of not knowing how, when and where they will die, the unlucky ones whom this dirty disease catches hold of, they don’t have that luxury. When you know how long you have until you tae in your last breath, everything changes. Those who love you look at you differently, they become more tolerant. You look at things differently, smell things differently, you repent for the past, and you also become an involuntary magnet for pity.


But that is not the worst part. The worst part is what those who love the cancer victim feel. They will know that their loved one will die soon, and suddenly, a host of thoughts and ideas, along with millions of things to do with that person comes into their mind. The worst, however, is surprisingly not the countdown of every passing second, but the feeling of helplessness, that you can’t do anything but sit and watch, and pray, that the cancer vanishes and never comes back. That pain, the wait-they’re all part of the deal, part of the package.

This has been something that has been disturbing my thoughts. I am close to making a decision that will plot the course of my future-which subject to study during my eleventh and twelfth grade as the optional subject. My choices lie between computer applications, and biology. If you have read many of my previous posts, you would know that despite overspending on unnecessary items, I do generally care about people’s well being. It’s also my wish that I do something worthwhile in my life. With this thought in my mind, I tried to think about how the future will be in each of the two subjects. If I take computer applications, then I can attend an engineering college, get a job, do my masters, maybe doctorate, and then work on some irrelevant project until retirement, all the while making piles of cash and living the luxurious life I’ve always dreamed of. The latter, biology, however, opens up a totally different window. In addition to engineering, I’ll be able to study Medicine, and be a doctor, and at the same time, try engineering too. The reason I wrote about Cancer above is because I feel it’s the worst disease a human being can have, and its sort of my wish that I can be an oncologist, and help treat cancer.

Like all options, this too has its uncertainties. The future is not clear. I may not get into a good college. I’m not too good in biology too, but I am willing to work hard, if I can do something good with my life, something beneficial to others, once I grow up. But if I don’t get into a good college, what good is that going to do? Secondly, if I become an oncologist, the emotional stress may be too much for a sissy like me to handle. Who knows how many years can I handle before I break down? Third, what if, after becoming an oncologist, I misdiagnose a patient, and as a result, cause his or her death? Fourth, what will happen to my personal life if I become a doctor, spending most of my time with patients? And finally, what will my financial situation be? I’m sure it won’t be the same as it would be if I were an engineer. All these questions try to pull me away from choosing Biology as my subject. At the same time, the unnamed and unidentified feeling, which creeps up into my conscience is telling me that Biology is what I should take. Logic vs. Faith…….

This big question mark in me needs to be erased as soon as possible, because the day I give my final decision edges ever closer. Right now, the fear of not making a choice has overcome the fear of whether or not I’ll make the right one. Dear Reader, if you have any suggestion, any at all, please take the time to comment, so that I may be clear about the choice I need to make, the choice that will plot my future……….