Enough Of The Lies

I spent some time recently to think deep within,about what I've said before about me,more specifically, about the negativity in me.I said that being negative keeps me going.I said that negativity is my cocaine,my alcohol,my novacaine,my cigarette.I even said that I'm a masochist,because I feel good if I'm negative,while I feel miserable if I'm happy or positive.But now,I've realised that that was just a lie,an excuse from my part for why I'm so negative.

The real reason,I fear,is that I've been so negative that I don't know how to feel truly happy or optimistic.Yes,to reassure others,I pretend to be optimistic,but inside,I'm pessimistic.Some people would call being pessimistic as being realistic,but I for sure don't.Here's how I feel about being negative.I feel like there's the tallest wall separating me and my heart from the outside things,and there's a guard,a sinister guard with the most imposing stare,who keeps guard on the only door and allows only negative thought and things to enter.Another thought I've had is that I'm on an island separated from the mainland,the only connection being a bridge which is incomplete,with a gap too large for me to jump over to,and with nothingness below,nothing but blackness.

I've realised that negativity isn't something I cherish or use to keep sane.The logical reason could be that I've seen so much negative things,that my mind thinks only negativity exists,while positivity is a dreamer's feeling.But the thing that hit me like a sucker-punch is,I've been feeling so negative for so long,that I've forgotten what its like to be optimistic,to be truly happy.I don't even recognise when I feel real happiness,and when I'm faking it.That's scary.Now,I want this negativity to leave me,despite the fear that if it does leave,will I be left with emptiness inside.I do want to welcome a change,but to not know what the change will be,how it will change me,how I'll feel,that's scary.I don't know if anyone else feels the same like me,unable to recognise anything other than negativity.Its so strange,when people tell me "He was so positive always,you should have met him",and I have no clue what they mean.I don't even know how to remove negativity,its become a part of me now.I voluntarily punish myself.If I try to think of my talents and gifts,I can't even find 10 in my mind,and maybe that's the effect of negativity,a feeling that I'm nothing.

I refused to accept help from anyone,and at the same time,knew that I needed help.I don't know if I can change,especially considering the fact that I don't know anything except negativity,and maybe love too.What if I remain like this 20 years from now?A selfish(because many times,especially in this blog,I've written only about me),negative,angry,self loathing ugly piece of crap?Will I push everyone away?Will I intentionally make a fool of myself just so that others laugh at me,like now?Will I lose any prospect of leading a normal life with a family,and instead,live in my own prison? Through some miracle,will I start to appreciate life and myself?Will I stop pushing people away when they try to help?Will I say the things that are truly in my mind,instead of lying just so that no one knows about the real me?Maybe its my own choice to be negative that drove out all other feelings from me,and now,as I look back,all I see is nothingness,as I don't remember what those other feelings were.I wish that one day,I would be strong enough to take a decision,without breaking my head over its consequences,and without being torn apart by the choices and loyalties.If that day ever comes,when I am no longer negative,when I feel something new,then I would say that it is Utopia come true...............................