My Bad,My Ugly and My Good

Today is a special day.Today,I've genuinely felt the need to change.I genuinely feel I should not remain who I am.So,I'll make a start by mentioning my faults and bad deeds,in an effort to release the burden and start anew. First and foremost,,I've been ungrateful for the life I've been given. Despite an amazing school, food, clothes, house, family, friends, a healthy body, I've continuously ignored them, and pretended to grieve over problems I did not even have. I asked for more than what I needed. I've been looking down at myself with contempt, and in the process, spitting at God, showing my ungratefulness.

Secondly, I've been a bad son to my parents. I failed to remember that they too had problems, and real viable problems unlike me, but I refused to see them because I was stuck inside my selfish and narcissistic cocoon. I wish I could openly speak about all this, but I am too cowardly to accept my faults in the open. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful father, whose knowledge of music, cricket, racing, football, and so many other things, among music and books have given me hours and hours of admiration and joy. My mother's perseverance has no equal. Her never-ending love for me was something I did not see, and I spat on it with my rebelliousness and anger. I took the things they said way too seriously, when they were stressed beyond measure and when I knew they didn't mean it. I wish I could pay for this, because their sacrifices are too great. I feel bad about only thinking about myself most of the time. I feel bad for allowing myself to get provoked, manipulated and angry so easily.

I feel bad for lying to Titus, and still blaming him silently for his anger despite knowing that his anger was justified. I feel bad for all the times I've knowingly and unknowingly behaved rudely to security guards,rickshaw drivers, and maids. I feel bad for ruining the mood of many other people just because my mood was bad. I feel bad for showing all my pseudo-problems to the world and attracting pity. I feel bad for being a bad grandson and forgetting that old-age has its own tensions,again I became a self obsessed narcissist.

I feel bad for not working the hardest and giving my best effort towards studies despite the fact that millions would even kill to get the opportunities which I've received and to some extent,wasted. I feel bad for spending large amounts of money on unnecessary things, or more importantly, I feel bad that despite knowing I shouldn't spend on such things, I ignored my own conscience and proceeded to spend, only to experience the inevitable guilt and the crying over spilt milk. I feel bad that I haven't thanked God for every little blessing that I have received. I feel bad that I haven't exploited all my talents. I feel bad that at school, I remained so very inactive. I feel bad for all the times I've said bad things about my teachers. I feel bad for the many times I thought my own country was inferior.

There will be a time when I pay for all of this, but when that time will come, I do not know. I do know that I leave my mistakes behind with the hopes of never forgetting them, and yet never repeating them. I hope that forever, I remain humble and repent. Now, I'm a changed man, one who swears to stand up to his conscience, one who swears to respect and love his parents, grandparents, family and friends, one who will remain calm and less angry, one who would say less hurtful things. Above all, I'll be one who's grateful for what he's got. I can't erase my mistakes and sins, but I can start by saying sorry, and actually meaning it. So,here I am, and I am sorry........................................