War Inside My Head

Cancer. It’s a disease, one of the worst at that. It proves that the ticking clock of life has a deadline. The lucky ones have the luxury of not knowing how, when and where they will die, the unlucky ones whom this dirty disease catches hold of, they don’t have that luxury. When you know how long you have until you tae in your last breath, everything changes. Those who love you look at you differently, they become more tolerant. You look at things differently, smell things differently, you repent for the past, and you also become an involuntary magnet for pity.


But that is not the worst part. The worst part is what those who love the cancer victim feel. They will know that their loved one will die soon, and suddenly, a host of thoughts and ideas, along with millions of things to do with that person comes into their mind. The worst, however, is surprisingly not the countdown of every passing second, but the feeling of helplessness, that you can’t do anything but sit and watch, and pray, that the cancer vanishes and never comes back. That pain, the wait-they’re all part of the deal, part of the package.

This has been something that has been disturbing my thoughts. I am close to making a decision that will plot the course of my future-which subject to study during my eleventh and twelfth grade as the optional subject. My choices lie between computer applications, and biology. If you have read many of my previous posts, you would know that despite overspending on unnecessary items, I do generally care about people’s well being. It’s also my wish that I do something worthwhile in my life. With this thought in my mind, I tried to think about how the future will be in each of the two subjects. If I take computer applications, then I can attend an engineering college, get a job, do my masters, maybe doctorate, and then work on some irrelevant project until retirement, all the while making piles of cash and living the luxurious life I’ve always dreamed of. The latter, biology, however, opens up a totally different window. In addition to engineering, I’ll be able to study Medicine, and be a doctor, and at the same time, try engineering too. The reason I wrote about Cancer above is because I feel it’s the worst disease a human being can have, and its sort of my wish that I can be an oncologist, and help treat cancer.

Like all options, this too has its uncertainties. The future is not clear. I may not get into a good college. I’m not too good in biology too, but I am willing to work hard, if I can do something good with my life, something beneficial to others, once I grow up. But if I don’t get into a good college, what good is that going to do? Secondly, if I become an oncologist, the emotional stress may be too much for a sissy like me to handle. Who knows how many years can I handle before I break down? Third, what if, after becoming an oncologist, I misdiagnose a patient, and as a result, cause his or her death? Fourth, what will happen to my personal life if I become a doctor, spending most of my time with patients? And finally, what will my financial situation be? I’m sure it won’t be the same as it would be if I were an engineer. All these questions try to pull me away from choosing Biology as my subject. At the same time, the unnamed and unidentified feeling, which creeps up into my conscience is telling me that Biology is what I should take. Logic vs. Faith…….

This big question mark in me needs to be erased as soon as possible, because the day I give my final decision edges ever closer. Right now, the fear of not making a choice has overcome the fear of whether or not I’ll make the right one. Dear Reader, if you have any suggestion, any at all, please take the time to comment, so that I may be clear about the choice I need to make, the choice that will plot my future……….

Pride And Charity (And Some Prejudice Too)

We all talk about charity. Most of us would look up to those who practice. But we never question the motives behind the charity. I had some time to think things through, and here are my thoughts.

As you might already know, I’m just a sixteen year old guy, who just passed out from his tenth grade. My heart does bleed for the poor, and I do wish, and try, and sometimes practice charity. A good friend of mine, Titus, told me that it is wrong for a person of my age to give to charity, as we don’t earn money, so its not our right to give that which is not ours. To a certain extent, that’s true. But then, when I talked about this to my other good friend, Hari, he told me that even if we donate money that’s not ours, somebody stands to benefit from it just the same. These two arguments keep pestering me whenever I think about donating, and many times, the devil in me convinces my inner self to go with the first choice, just so that I have more money to spend for myself. But after much thought, by myself this time, I was able to bring Pride into this issue.

You might wonder how pride gets entangled into all this. Well, let me tell you how. First and foremost, although the deed of giving to charity is commendable, the motives behind it matters. After lots of thought, I came to the conclusion that people give to charity for two reasons basically. One is the obvious one-to help other less fortunate people. The second one, although one which we all tend to deny, can be disturbingly true. The second reason for donating is purely selfish, I might add. Many times, we donate just so that we feel good, or maybe just so that we can pacify a guilt that could’ve arisen from a past wrong deed. Isn’t that a selfish reason? Doesn’t pride play a role here? Well, it does, because some people, just to feel proud of themselves, just to show everybody that they have a big heart, donate to charity. This is exactly where pride comes in. To some extent, prejudice too.

I was suddenly reminded of another disturbing, yet true thought which my good friend, Sarvesh told me. He said that charity, albeit noble, can sometimes offend. Think about it, if a kid like me walks up to a grownup who’s in need of help, and offers financial assistance, how would that person feel? Wouldn’t he feel hurt? Wouldn’t he feel reduced? Wouldn’t his self esteem go down the drain? Wouldn’t his pride crumble like dominoes?

I must confess, many times when I feel sad for some person in need, when I feel the need to extend a helping hand, I myself do not know why I feel the way I feel. I don’t know if it’s a selfish reason, whether it’s a charitable and noble reason. I even feel that the charitableness that I feel sometimes is just an empty feeling, because in the end, I do not act charitable. So, in the end, I ask myself, is it pride? Is it prejudice? Is it nobility? Or is it just another one of those feelings that randomly come like winter breeze? I do have the fear that if I do find the right reason for the charitableness in men, perhaps the truth would be so disturbing, perhaps the revelation that only pride causes a person to donate or not donate, that would crush me, and would prove that humanity has a heart of stone. Of course, no one till now has found the reason for feeling charitable. Maybe if we find out the truth, then the whole act of charity will cease to be charitable. But like a candle in a dark room, hope springs eternal, as great people like Mother Theresa come flooding into my memories. There is still hope. There is still the unanswered question, and we can still pray that selfishness has not taken over charity, that pride will not prevent us from being charitable, that pride will not give us guilt after being charitable. God, what kind of thoughts do I get in this long and boring vacation?????

To My Beautiful Lifelong Friends

Its been a while since my last post (okay,not that long :P). I wanted to live life differently, by seeing things more positively, I wanted to see if there would be a difference. Let me tell  you,there is. I can't explain what that difference is, suffice it to say that I've started seeing the beauty in life, the beauty in the things I've been given, the beauty of the little things. This post is dedicated to the two of my lifelong friends, whom I should've thanked ages ago, who's sacrifices I should've acknowledged long back. This post is dedicated to you mom and dad.

I just realised that all that I am is because of the innumerable sacrifices you two have made. I lack the directness or the courage to say thank you directly, that's who I am sadly. But, one day, if you two get to read this, then you will understand,no matter how many times I get angry,say upsetting things in my anger, or even disobey you both for that matter, I will never cease to love you both,or be thankful.

I'm in my home town right now. I'm staying with my grandparents. My aunt, who gave birth to a baby boy,stays here. I just saw the amount of patience and effort needed to take care of a baby,and from then on,I started to acknowledge my parents' love and sacrifice.There's a reason the Indian culture says "Matha,Pitha,Guru,Daivam",translating as "Mother,Father,Teacher,God".Parents come first. I'm one among  the lucky people who has both my parents with me,its surprising I took so long to realise how blessed I am.

The lyrics of a song,called "Thanks Again" by Ricky Skaggs says all that I have to say.Thanks again Appa and Amma..

Thanks Again By Ricky Skaggs:

I've sent bouquets for Mother's Day,

For Father's Day, a shirt and card.
While they came from the heart,
They all fell short of saying how special you both are.
It wasn't ' til I was up and gone,
Married with a couple of kids of my own,
Doing what mamas and daddies do,
That I realized what I must have put you through.


So thanks again for the love in the cradle,
And all of the changes that kept me dry.
And thanks again for the love at our table,
And tannin' my bottom when I told you a lie.
For takin' me fishin' and flyin' my kites,
And tuckin' me in, yes, night after night:
To my beautiful life-long friends,
Hey, Mom and Daddy thanks again.


I'm still a young man, least I think I am,
But I'm watchin' my own hair turn gray.
And your call last Sunday brought to mind,
That I owe you a debt I can never repay.


So thanks again for worryin' and waitin',
When I started datin' on weekend nights.
And thanks again for the help with my homework,
And sittin' up with me till I got it right.
Your car for the prom, your letters in 'Nam,
But most of all, Daddy, for marryin' Mom:
To my beautiful life long friends,
Hey, Mom and Daddy thanks again.


To my beautiful life long friends,
Hey, Mom and Daddy thanks again.


Thanks again.............

Guilt Exposed Bare

There is one who's attraction I can't resist,
No matter how much I persist,
Her words are sweeter than wine,
She will push aside everything that is thine.


Her skill lies in deception,
She is best at nothing but manipulation,
She sways me with her promises and lies,
And in the process,leaves the good things in mounting piles.


She has the most beautiful face,
Her smell,her scent,none in our race,
All that she desires,she possesses,
She robs a part of those she touches.


She makes you do that you would not,
But she coaxes like a feathery cot,
And after all is said and done,
She makes you feel like you've touched the Sun.


Then the harsh realization dawns,
That she used you like all her pawns,
And now has thrown you into the sea,
With heavy rocks tied to your knee.


She loves to see you drown,
She will smile,but never frown,
As her seawater enters your body,
As you writhe in agony.


For every single time she has made you plunder,
Stronger will you be pulled under,
Into a deep and gaping hole,
So dark that it will scar your soul.


If you see a ray of light,
If you triumph in the fight,
She will tempt you once again,
And if you fall in,Oh What A Shame!


This is what guilt does to you,to all of us,to me.

My Bad,My Ugly and My Good

Today is a special day.Today,I've genuinely felt the need to change.I genuinely feel I should not remain who I am.So,I'll make a start by mentioning my faults and bad deeds,in an effort to release the burden and start anew. First and foremost,,I've been ungrateful for the life I've been given. Despite an amazing school, food, clothes, house, family, friends, a healthy body, I've continuously ignored them, and pretended to grieve over problems I did not even have. I asked for more than what I needed. I've been looking down at myself with contempt, and in the process, spitting at God, showing my ungratefulness.

Secondly, I've been a bad son to my parents. I failed to remember that they too had problems, and real viable problems unlike me, but I refused to see them because I was stuck inside my selfish and narcissistic cocoon. I wish I could openly speak about all this, but I am too cowardly to accept my faults in the open. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful father, whose knowledge of music, cricket, racing, football, and so many other things, among music and books have given me hours and hours of admiration and joy. My mother's perseverance has no equal. Her never-ending love for me was something I did not see, and I spat on it with my rebelliousness and anger. I took the things they said way too seriously, when they were stressed beyond measure and when I knew they didn't mean it. I wish I could pay for this, because their sacrifices are too great. I feel bad about only thinking about myself most of the time. I feel bad for allowing myself to get provoked, manipulated and angry so easily.

I feel bad for lying to Titus, and still blaming him silently for his anger despite knowing that his anger was justified. I feel bad for all the times I've knowingly and unknowingly behaved rudely to security guards,rickshaw drivers, and maids. I feel bad for ruining the mood of many other people just because my mood was bad. I feel bad for showing all my pseudo-problems to the world and attracting pity. I feel bad for being a bad grandson and forgetting that old-age has its own tensions,again I became a self obsessed narcissist.

I feel bad for not working the hardest and giving my best effort towards studies despite the fact that millions would even kill to get the opportunities which I've received and to some extent,wasted. I feel bad for spending large amounts of money on unnecessary things, or more importantly, I feel bad that despite knowing I shouldn't spend on such things, I ignored my own conscience and proceeded to spend, only to experience the inevitable guilt and the crying over spilt milk. I feel bad that I haven't thanked God for every little blessing that I have received. I feel bad that I haven't exploited all my talents. I feel bad that at school, I remained so very inactive. I feel bad for all the times I've said bad things about my teachers. I feel bad for the many times I thought my own country was inferior.

There will be a time when I pay for all of this, but when that time will come, I do not know. I do know that I leave my mistakes behind with the hopes of never forgetting them, and yet never repeating them. I hope that forever, I remain humble and repent. Now, I'm a changed man, one who swears to stand up to his conscience, one who swears to respect and love his parents, grandparents, family and friends, one who will remain calm and less angry, one who would say less hurtful things. Above all, I'll be one who's grateful for what he's got. I can't erase my mistakes and sins, but I can start by saying sorry, and actually meaning it. So,here I am, and I am sorry........................................

Mike

Let me introduce you to Mike,
I'm proud to say that he has no pride,
What I said above,I mean it,
For he never,for anything,saw himself fit.


Yet,he behaves many a times,strange,
If others found him unfit,he would fly up a rage,
There are but a few things he valued,
If he found a friend,he would remain with them,glued.


He sold his heart to the needy,
He looked with spite on the greedy,
He was very young,yet he wanted,
To be good,helpful,kind and undaunted.


He was a very serious and sad lad,
Many thought his actions to be mad,
He wanted to be good in other's eyes,but in vain,
For one small wrong action,and all is washed away like rain.


He was a lad with a conflicted mind,
He was never clear what to abide,
To betrayal,he was no stranger,
For he knew first-hand from those he held dear.


He was negative,pessimistic and in pain,
He thought any attempt he made would be in vain,
Pity was something he loved,
No matter how or from who,pity he welcomed.


He was known for his short temper,
Yet he begged to show that he was also tender,
To anyone who'd ask,help he would give,
If he would refuse,then he wouldn't live.


He loved technology and video games,
He was bad at remembering dates and names,
Like most,he too believed in true love,
He wished she would love him,and as a sign,release the dove.


He hated to look at his reflection,
He felt his ugliness was beyond comprehension,
He wished there would be someone,
Who wouldn't say hurtful things, at least for once.


He struggled to find the right words,
That would set him free like the birds,
He wished he could laugh and smile more,
But he always knew he had a sad core.


He wanted to know the aim of life,
He wanted to end the struggle and strife,
He sometimes thought everything would end,
When things were too damaged for him to mend.


Above all,he is thankful,
To the one above,who is merciful,
He wishes he wouldn't wake up from his dreams,
For in dreams,everything is what it seems.


Last but not the least,I mention,
That he is a coward filled with tension,
Every night,filled with regret he would lay,
For he knows it is himself he had betrayed......

Enough Of The Lies

I spent some time recently to think deep within,about what I've said before about me,more specifically, about the negativity in me.I said that being negative keeps me going.I said that negativity is my cocaine,my alcohol,my novacaine,my cigarette.I even said that I'm a masochist,because I feel good if I'm negative,while I feel miserable if I'm happy or positive.But now,I've realised that that was just a lie,an excuse from my part for why I'm so negative.

The real reason,I fear,is that I've been so negative that I don't know how to feel truly happy or optimistic.Yes,to reassure others,I pretend to be optimistic,but inside,I'm pessimistic.Some people would call being pessimistic as being realistic,but I for sure don't.Here's how I feel about being negative.I feel like there's the tallest wall separating me and my heart from the outside things,and there's a guard,a sinister guard with the most imposing stare,who keeps guard on the only door and allows only negative thought and things to enter.Another thought I've had is that I'm on an island separated from the mainland,the only connection being a bridge which is incomplete,with a gap too large for me to jump over to,and with nothingness below,nothing but blackness.

I've realised that negativity isn't something I cherish or use to keep sane.The logical reason could be that I've seen so much negative things,that my mind thinks only negativity exists,while positivity is a dreamer's feeling.But the thing that hit me like a sucker-punch is,I've been feeling so negative for so long,that I've forgotten what its like to be optimistic,to be truly happy.I don't even recognise when I feel real happiness,and when I'm faking it.That's scary.Now,I want this negativity to leave me,despite the fear that if it does leave,will I be left with emptiness inside.I do want to welcome a change,but to not know what the change will be,how it will change me,how I'll feel,that's scary.I don't know if anyone else feels the same like me,unable to recognise anything other than negativity.Its so strange,when people tell me "He was so positive always,you should have met him",and I have no clue what they mean.I don't even know how to remove negativity,its become a part of me now.I voluntarily punish myself.If I try to think of my talents and gifts,I can't even find 10 in my mind,and maybe that's the effect of negativity,a feeling that I'm nothing.

I refused to accept help from anyone,and at the same time,knew that I needed help.I don't know if I can change,especially considering the fact that I don't know anything except negativity,and maybe love too.What if I remain like this 20 years from now?A selfish(because many times,especially in this blog,I've written only about me),negative,angry,self loathing ugly piece of crap?Will I push everyone away?Will I intentionally make a fool of myself just so that others laugh at me,like now?Will I lose any prospect of leading a normal life with a family,and instead,live in my own prison? Through some miracle,will I start to appreciate life and myself?Will I stop pushing people away when they try to help?Will I say the things that are truly in my mind,instead of lying just so that no one knows about the real me?Maybe its my own choice to be negative that drove out all other feelings from me,and now,as I look back,all I see is nothingness,as I don't remember what those other feelings were.I wish that one day,I would be strong enough to take a decision,without breaking my head over its consequences,and without being torn apart by the choices and loyalties.If that day ever comes,when I am no longer negative,when I feel something new,then I would say that it is Utopia come true...............................

A Change Of Seasons Part Deux

Hello again. A few days ago (or maybe weeks,days are getting fuzzy),I had made a post called A Change Of Seasons. I remember it very well today. But right now,I'm writing this post due to the same inspiration as the one for my first post-the very same movie called Rithu. I had the chance to watch the whole movie all over again,and as I was watching and re-analysing the story, a new thought came to me. I remember that I had written that we should change like the seasons,and that forgetting is the key to change. I had written that I,and almost anybody else,should welcome a change. Well, here I am with another thought. But to tell you what I have in mind, I'll have to go a little into the main character of the movie.

His name is Sarath. He is a software engineer, who has a passion for writing. Due to some circumstances, he had to leave Kerala for USA. But eventually, he returned after three long years. To him, his friends were dearest. He claimed that the main reason for his return was to be with his friends again. But towards the end of the movie, as he faced betrayal, he understood that his friends were not the same people that he had left behind three years ago. He knew they had changed, but he hadn't. This left him heartbroken, but then, he took his life-changing decision to be like the seasons,and change,because people also changed.

Now,coming back to my thoughts. Sarath had to change because he saw that those dear to him,those he wished wouldn't change, had changed. Circumstances forced him to change with the seasons. So,here comes the question that has been in my mind for so long. Is changing the only good outcome? Is it always good to change with the seasons? Or is it good to be who you were? For some,a change is necessary,but for some,maybe a change is bad.

The thought of a tree came into my mind. A big, tall, and old tree, with its bark looking like the skin of a leper (originally this idea was expressed by the poet Gieve Patel,but its beautiful,so I put it here,no plagiarism intended). It sheds its leaves during Autumn, remains barren in winter, starts blooming in spring, and shines in summer's heat. But, other than these physical changes, does any other change affect the tree? If we change, will the tree change its normal routine? It will still do as it always does. Maybe this is also good in some cases. Imagine if every little change plagued us to change. Wouldn't we be torn into pieces? So, my leaving thought is this-decide when to change and when not to,and choose what change changes you. For me,I want to change,I want to be positive and happy. But recently, I realized that being really happy makes me miserable. I realized that feeling negative and upset actually keeps me from losing my frame of logic. This is my Novocaine,my cigarette,my alcohol,my cocaine. It keeps me going.Yet,everyone wants me to change and be more happy. They want me to cherish happiness.Will I change? Well,I certainly do not want to change, but at the same time,I do not want my being me to change others.So,when the time comes,I'll decide,and I know it won't be an easy choice.But every time I need to decide about a change,I'll think of this movie,of the tree,and of this post...........................................

A Late Truth

Hello, after such a long time. All these times, I've been pretending to consider this blog as my diary of sorts, where I write whatever that's in my mind. But I must confess, I haven't been entirely frank. There has been something which I have kept hidden so far. There is a reason for it. But before all that, let me put you out of your misery. The thing I've kept hidden so far, is the universal thing known as love. And don't get me wrong, obviously I love my family and all, but this love is the love for another girl.

Let me tell you one thing, I have not, and I do not plan to tell my feelings to her any time soon, and I won't go into the why, suffice it to say that if I open up any time soon, things can go bad not just for me, but for her also. I don't want her to suffer because of me, so I'll wait till the time is right. Here's what I think. I think that she is perfect, atleast to me. She is kind hearted, she is beautiful, she is nice, she is dedicated, she is loving, and she has amazing values. The first time I met her, I didn't even imagine that I would fall in love with her. Later, I tried convincing myself that its just a crush, and it'll pass, but it didn't. With every passing day, I keep thinking more and more about her. The thought of her voice, her smiling face calms my senses.

Yesterday, my grandmother had a haemorrhage. After her getting admitted to the hospital, for some unknown reason, I couldn't feel anything, not sorrow, not fear, not anger, nothing. But later, as my thoughts went back to her, I started feeling better. I felt optimistic that I wasn't an emotionless robot, and that maybe my numbness was normal. Many times, even when I'm full of negativity, thinking about her enlightens me, and I feel like I'm weightless, flying in the air (okay, don't laugh, the weightless thing was meant to be a metaphor). I feel overjoyed. Every time I chat with her, see her picture, see her personally, talk to her and hear her beautiful and reassuring voice, I sometimes regret that I can't tell her how much I love her, but I still pray that one day, she'll understand. I also have the illusion that if she says no (the bar is tipped toward it), then I'll calmly convince myself that its for some unknown but valid reason, but then, I can't lie or hide the fact that I'll be filled with grief.

Many times, I've tried to show my true self to her, my subtle self, my patient self, my philosophical self. But in the end, all that comes out is a loud mouthed, blabbering, abusing fool. Maybe I've lost any chance of her liking me, but still, I hope that I'll one day be able to hug her, and whisper into her ears the three magic words -"I love you", and maybe, just maybe, she'll forget my faults and mistakes, and say "I love you too". After all, what's the harm in hoping and dreaming?