I had a dream of sorts recently. I was in a boxing match, against three others, all younger than me. I was confident and poised for victory. As the fight progressed, I refused to back down. In the end, all the three together attacked me, cornered me, and despite my shameful submission, beat me down. I was too hurt to feel or see. After an unknown amount of time, I slowly pulled myself back on my feet. As I looked around the seats, there were just a few people still here, and as soon as I got up, I saw them pointing at me, whispering something, and laughing. I was embarrassed. Suddenly, I was transported to an unknown street, where everyone was staring at me, having a funny look on their faces. I was puzzled, and to my horror, as I looked down, I realized I had no clothes covering my body. I was naked, standing in the centre of a neighbourhood, with every inhabitant staring at me, laughing. I was in ruins. I was too ashamed to even shed a tear to myself.
That was just a dream. Yesterday, this dream came true, in an indirect sort of way. I didn't know when to back down, and I paid the price. The price was heavy. It was my pride. I was humiliated. I could've prevented all this, but just like in the boxing match, I didn't back down. In the end, three people metaphorically threw shit at my face. I was stripped naked by my juniors, again metaphorically speaking, I was made a fool of, and laughed at, and all the while, like a thorn under my feet, the fact that I could've prevented all this was nagging me. I got into an unwanted and petty fight, and I emerged the loser, all embarrassed and scarred. The defeat was not one of dignity, I could not keep my head high. Not only did I pick a fight due to my overconfidence, but I also was stupid enough to lose horribly. Why did it happen? Was it because I had a really good time the day before yesterday, so for some reason, to end my joy or so, this happened? Or, am I too big a dumb ass to not know when to stop, and which door to open? Since this fight, I've been torturing myself, trying to find a solution, trying to find a way to forgive and forget.
A friend asked me, why do I always write negative things. Here's the answer. When I'm in a negative mood, I am able to relate to what I write, emotionally. I feel that whatever I write comes from my heart. This may or may not be true, but I find satisfaction. I also feel that happiness is always short lived. Negativity has prevailed in me till now, and nothing has happened to change it. I can look up to friends and family, I can even look at those less fortunate, and try to combat my negativity and self loathing, but I just don't. Maybe I'm a masochist, who knows? For now, all I know is, I'm an expert at making a fool of myself, and I'm mostly sad at something or the other. Maybe happiness is a really rare commodity, one which I don't deserve, one which I haven't earned yet.What is the price I should pay for happiness, for some integrity, for some way to defend my pride?
Why is it so tough to find the courage, and tell what I feel to even my best friend? Why is it so tough to swallow my pride and cry, even when I've sacrificed all my pride in front of many? Here I am cribbing, crying, being negative, finding faults in myself, and you may hate me for it, simply hate me for it, and I can't do anything about it, atleast not now, suffice it to say, I am looking for a solution, but its hidden like a needle in a haystack. I don't imagine you can understand or relate to what I'm saying, especially since its so vague, but the least I can do is say thank you, for reading my personal ramblings.
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