Awake

Today, I woke up, and I felt different. I did not know what the different thing was. One thing was sure, I was really happy because my mother agreed to buy me a PS3. After a lot of personal argument, debate, and conflict, I had said yes to my mom for getting the PS3. Before, I would have felt guilty for even the smallest extravagance in spending, but recently, I, along with the help of my friends, convinced myself that its okay to buy a PS3. I mean, you get to enjoy life only during these years right? Plus, if I remain modest, then there will be no problem or guilt. Today also, I met kacka, whom I mentioned in a previous post. Today too, he blessed me, and said I would never be sad (I know that won't come true :p) and for some reason, I felt good, rather than all depressed on seeing his tattered clothes. Today, I also felt an almost alien feeling- courage. I felt strong and brave. All these days, I have been worrying about the future. Would I have a good well earning job? Will I be able to take care of my parents? Would I get a loving wife? Would I be a good parent? I thought of all these unnecessary and crazy crap, and today, for a strange and unknown reason, I wasn't unsure or afraid. I somehow convinced myself, that life would take its course. So, after a long time of self imposed misery and exile, I've woken up. I now feel happier than ever. Yet, a strange nagging feeling that I'm happy now because there's misery ahead is there on my mind, but I'm determined to be happy, atleast for a few days. Many of my close friends have begun to get sick of my always being negative and depressed, and its time for me to change.

I wrote in a post before, that like seasons change, we should also change. Well, I plan on changing, for the better. I will be a more cheerful person, a better person. I will forever remember this day, as the day I woke up from my dreaming.

A Shameful Defeat

I had a dream of sorts recently. I was in a boxing match, against three others, all younger than me. I was confident and poised for victory. As the fight progressed, I refused to back down. In the end, all the three together attacked me, cornered me, and despite my shameful submission, beat me down. I was too hurt to feel or see. After an unknown amount of time, I slowly pulled myself back on my feet. As I looked around the seats, there were just a few people still here, and as soon as I got up, I saw them pointing at me, whispering something, and laughing. I was embarrassed. Suddenly, I was transported to an unknown street, where everyone was staring at me, having a funny look on their faces. I was puzzled, and to my horror, as I looked down, I realized I had no clothes covering my body. I was naked, standing in the centre of a neighbourhood, with every inhabitant staring at me, laughing. I was in ruins. I was too ashamed to even shed a tear to myself.

That was just a dream. Yesterday, this dream came true, in an indirect sort of way. I didn't know when to back down, and I paid the price. The price was heavy. It was my pride. I was humiliated. I could've prevented all this, but just like in the boxing match, I didn't back down. In the end, three people metaphorically threw shit at my face. I was stripped naked by my juniors, again metaphorically speaking, I was made a fool of, and laughed at, and all the while, like a thorn under my feet, the fact that I could've prevented all this was nagging me. I got into an unwanted and petty fight, and I emerged the loser, all embarrassed and scarred. The defeat was not one of dignity, I could not keep my head high. Not only did I pick a fight due to my overconfidence, but I also was stupid enough to lose horribly. Why did it happen? Was it because I had a really good time the day before yesterday, so for some reason, to end my joy or so, this happened? Or, am I too big a dumb ass to not know when to stop, and which door to open? Since this fight, I've been torturing myself, trying to find a solution, trying to find a way to forgive and forget.

A friend asked me, why do I always write negative things. Here's the answer. When I'm in a negative mood, I am able to relate to what I write, emotionally. I feel that whatever I write comes from my heart. This may or may not be true, but I find satisfaction. I also feel that happiness is always short lived. Negativity has prevailed in me till now, and nothing has happened to change it. I can look up to friends and family, I can even look at those less fortunate, and try to combat my negativity and self loathing, but I just don't. Maybe I'm a masochist, who knows? For now, all I know is, I'm an expert at making a fool of myself, and I'm mostly sad at something or the other. Maybe happiness is a really rare commodity, one which I don't deserve, one which I haven't earned yet.What is the price I should pay for happiness, for some integrity, for some way to defend my pride?
Why is it so tough to find the courage, and tell what I feel to even my best friend? Why is it so tough to swallow my pride and cry, even when I've sacrificed all my pride in front of many? Here I am cribbing, crying, being negative, finding faults in myself, and you may hate me for it, simply hate me for it, and I can't do anything about it, atleast not now, suffice it to say, I am looking for a solution, but its hidden like a needle in a haystack. I don't imagine you can understand or relate to what I'm saying, especially since its so vague, but the least I can do is say thank you, for reading my personal ramblings.

A change of seasons

Its been a while since my previous post. After all, I do need something to motivate me to think and write. This post is in fact, motivated by a movie (again!!). It had some circumstances, and some realities, as well as some really haunting dialogues, which ring true. One in particular was something like this: "Memories are the worst thing in one's life, they do not let you move on, they keep you glued to the past, they prevent you from forgiving, they prevent you from changing." If you are a regular reader, you might have understood by now, that I'm a depressing guy to be with.In fact, when I see or hear stuff like the dialogue I mentioned above, I tend to think lots of things (too much for someone my age, so people have told me).
Memories, dear or not dear, vague or clear, do keep us glued to the past. Many times, I've tried to forget my bad deeds, and I've tried to move on. Even the good things, good memories, I wouldn't mind forgetting. I just imagine how it would be to wipe the slate clean, forget all our past deeds. It may be like being reborn, it will be a second chance at things, wouldn't it? Nature's beauty is overly expressive here. Season's change every year, without a single disruption, forgetting the past, doing its duty without letting the past affect it. Can we also change and move on, like the seasons? Or, will we just remember the past seasons under the sun, and forget to look at the beauty of the present season? Seasons change, do we? Can we?
Maybe forgetting may not be a good thing for many, you wouldn't want to forget the time of your favourite TV show, or your doctor's appointment, or your date with your loved one, but is it such a big sacrifice, if you are able to wake up the next day, peacefully, without any torments or guilt, or anger or sorrow? Wouldn't you give anything to smell things differently, see things differently, do things differently? Wouldn't you like to welcome a change, like the seasons? Wouldn't it be better to forget past sins and betrayals, not only of you, but also of your friends and family? Wouldn't it be nice, to see everybody in a new light, without any animosity? I know it would.
Would I, if given the choice, agree to erase my own memories, except the crucial ones, like who I am and all, just so that I feel a change, just so that I get a second chance at life, at understanding things? I don't know, and I'm not sure I will, but the idea is still wonderful, and maybe one day, if I get the choice, who knows, I may just say yes.

A Question Without An Answer (Another Negative Post :P)

Today, like all the other boring and usual days, I was the laughing stock at class. There was a debate on whether cell phones should be allowed in school. I gave all valid points, but I was laughed at, while over confident and popular people laughed at me, made me look like a fool, and then, to counter my point, said general points which are not even applicable for school children. Although their points were crap (here, I'm being a bit arrogant, but hey, a little is okay I guess!), I was the one who was laughed at, who was made a fool of. So, as usual, I started drowning in inferiority complex and pity (that's how pathetic I am, no?). Then I asked myself a question, and I realized that I did not have an answer for it.

I was asking myself, why I was always the laughing stock. I mean, okay, I don't look like Brad Pitt and all, in fact, not good at all, but still, what have I done to earn their laughter and their mockery? Then, I realized, it was all my fault. It was because, I always got too emotional, I always over react. I antagonize everyone in an instant. I realized that I am a totally, without doubt, a different person when I'm in front of others, and again totally different when I'm alone. I just wish that I can get that personality of me, when I'm alone, to be the dominating personality. Well, I got the answer, that since I was always an asshole, everyone laughed at me. But then came the most obvious question, how can I change this asshole? How can I control my emotions, my reactions, so that I may, for a change, not be the laughing stock of the class, and be treated with some dignity and respect? That is a question whose answer I have not found. My friends say look in God, I do, and yet, the very next day, I'm the same, I wake up the same, and I feel the same. Some others say I should talk to someone about it. What good is that going to do? Will they take my position in class? No. So, what is the answer? What is the solution? Is there a solution? Can I atleast be respected by more than three people in my class? Or will I be Mr Achhooth (its my nickname, sort of a pun to my name, which means untouchable, and I hate it) of the batch ? Will someone ever stop talking behind my back, laughing at my antics and gimmicks and outbursts? Also, like any other teenage boy, will any girl like me (don't make any conclusions hehehe)? I guess I am an asshole after all. I'm surprised it took me so long to recognize it.

A Sad Story With A Little Happy Ending

Today I was sitting in my mother's office. I was there because I wanted to see a movie, and the theatre was just a few minutes' walk away. As I was sitting reading the novel A Thousand Splendid Suns, an old man came, wearing tattered clothes. He was beaming. The second he saw me, he came to me, held me with both of his arms, and smiled, truly smiled. He almost embraced me, even thought we did not know each other. He asked about me to my mother, and after introductions were over, he immediately took a paper bag out, and out of it he took a Peda, sort of a milk cake. I extended my hand to accept it, but he refused to give it, and instead asked me to open my mouth. He lovingly put it in my mouth, all the while smiling. He said that he was overjoyed to have met me, and that his blessings would always be with me. I was puzzled, but also thankful to have met such a kind man. With another kind look and a goodbye, he left.

I asked my mother about him, and what I heard was, well, .......................... I can't describe what I exactly felt. My mother, it seemed, was paying for his grandchildren's education. It seemed his only son had passed away. Instead of being taken care of, he had to work here, in Mumbai, to take care of his daughter in law and two grandsons. He works in a local provision store, working hard, for daily wages, and sharing a single room with a few others, living uncomfortably. Maybe when he saw me, he remembered his grandchildren, or maybe even his dead son, but the joy, the peace and the kindness he possessed, despite being old, poor and far away from his family, it just was like a lightning bolt. All I could do was think about him. I thought about his grandchildren, and daughter in law living far away in Uttar Pradesh. What if the grandchildren don't even realize the sacrifice he's making for them? What if he gets sick? Would he be taken care of? Would he die alone? All these thoughts plagued my mind, but not his. He was happy, truly happy, and peaceful and content, while I am not, not by a long shot. A friend of mine went to a nearby slum to click the photographs of the children there for her photography competition. When I saw the pictures, it was not the image quality, or the wonderful editing that caught my attention, but their happy faces. My mother called that dear old man "Kacka". It was a loving name. Kacka's smile was haunting, his kindness something I can never forget, and his plight something I pray ends soon. He had so little, yet to show his joy, he gave me a small Peda, that itself is something I value more than all the gifts I have received. I pray that one day, he can go back to his family, and play with his grandchildren, like my grandfather played with me when I was small. I also pray that I don't forget Kacka's face, that I may learn from it, be content with what I have, and be thankful for it. I may feel sad now, because of that poor loving man's plight, but all the same, I am ................ grateful.

Today, I wrote a rather depressing poem, and when one of my regular readers, and a good friend, read it, she told me not to write crap like that, and that I should appreciate what I have. I told her then that I was grateful, and that I had written something to show that I was grateful. Well, dear friend, this is it. Know from it, that I would never commit the sin of being ungrateful. This is a sad story, no doubt, but in the end, there is happiness. There is no regret. Thank you Kacka, you taught me a really valuable lesson, that happiness can come no matter who or what you are. Thank you Kacka.

My Rusting Pandora's Box

There is a box which lies inside,

Where I put all the things I see and find,

It knows all the secrets of my heart,

If anyone wants to know me, its where they should start.

It hasn't been opened in a very long time,

Rust and dust have filled its sides,

Nobody wants to see what's in it,

So I alone open it from time to time to see if something more will fit.

If you are my friend or a girl I adore,

It would speak of many a lore,

Alas even those who I hold dear,

Do not find time to patiently hear.

I have a fear which grows within,

That soon it will be forever locked in,

So I desperately look everywhere,

To find someone who will really care.

Its almost the time where I give up hope,

For I feel I can no longer cope,

There is only so much this box can hold,

And soon, if not opened, it will overflow.

My only hope is to forget what's in there,

For I find that I'm the only one who cares,

But I still hope as I write this song,

That maybe, just maybe I'm not forlorn.

Into nothingness I was made,

Into nothingness I shall fade,

Before I fade I hope to leave a mark,

And throw away my rusting Pandora's box.

A Random Yet Relevant Feeling

This post is directed at and dedicated to one of my friends, and a regular reader too. Well, I've been feeling a mix of emotions since I met you (love isn't one of them, so, don't worry). The time I met you, I thought you were a really cheerful person and all. But then, as we started talking more and more, I realized you were sad, and I eventually even found out the reason. Ever since then, I've been thinking about how I could help. If there's one thing I'm known for, its helping friends who are in need of help. In your case, it proved to be futile, and you told me you didn't need it, not matter what. You even said angry things, depressing things, and I couldn't get them out of my mind. Today however, you gave your final word, I can either be your friend and not interfere, or move away.
After a long thought process, I realized some things. I realized, most importantly, that all these days, I only considered my feelings in our friendship. I failed to realize that you too had your wishes, and I failed to respect them, and I'm sorry. This experience, has helped me more. It has given me a good friend like you. It has also made me feel really upset because of all the times I've seen you sad. Believe me, I never meant to intrude or offend, I guess this is one of my flaws that I always try to help even those who don't need it. So, I put that part of me behind, as I give you my word, that our friendship will be like all the other amazing friendships that exist in this world. I will respect what you feel. I may get angry, I may get pissed off, I may say things I will regret, but please remember, not matter how I feel, no matter what I think of your need of help, or your situation, no matter how relevant or random the feelings may be, I will cherish what exists now. I only ask that you remember this, and that when a time comes when you are tempted to break this friendship, you remember what I've said here.

This is for you, my dear friend. I am glad that I could add another friend to my small list of close friends, and I'm honoured that you trust me. Thank you, dear friend.

The Birth Of A Monster

Today,something really scary happened.Today,I witnessed the birth of a monster,or rather,the awakening of a monster.The monster is me. Have you ever hated someone because of some aspect of their behaviour? And, have you ever felt you becoming the very person whom you hated for their behaviour? That is what happened today with me. I was at Inorbit Mall with my good friend Titus. We were there to have some pizza, play games, and watch The Book Of Eli. As usual, we over-ordered, so we had to take a lot packed. We had planned to take it into the theatre, and have it there. We also bought some Sprite bottles for drinking, because the ones inside the theatre are dead costly!!As we reached the theatre entrance, the security guard at the gate asked us (politely) to deposit the pizza and sprite bottles outside with him, as it was not allowed inside. I got pissed,really pissed. My anger took over, and in front of everybody, I said "What the fu*k is this?Bloody hell!!". I didn't abuse the security guard, but I was pretty pissed off. Later, with reluctance, I left the stuff with him, and went in with Titus. He was quite, and then, he told me that what I did was wrong. He told me that even the security guard is bound by his superiors, and for us, it might be just a pizza and sprite, but for him, it could be his job. I suddenly bounced back to reality, and I realized the gravity of my actions. I slowly, with guilt, approached the security guard, and apologized, and he forgave me with reluctance. I never could enjoy the film.
Memories of rich arrogant farts who yell at security guards passed in my mind, and I remembered how I was filled with disgust at the thought of them. I realized, that I became that very person, despite the promises I made to myself that I would never be. I let my anger take over, and so, a monster of me was born. But what scared me was that I didn't recognize this arrogant behaviour until my friend told me. Was I becoming blind to my true self? In the next few years, would I look into a mirror and not recognize myself? Would I become a shadow of my present self, and arrogant fool who gave a damn only about himself? Would I continue to change, and let the people I care about move away from me and hate me? Would I be the very person I swore that even for a million dollars I wouldn't be? All these thoughts still torment me, but most of all, I can't forgive myself for what I did. Am I a monster? Will I remain a monster? Can I fight this monster? I hope I find the answers soon.......