Its recently become a ritual, that after each board exam, I go to Subway, and buy a sandwich for about 170 bucks( a foot-long one in case you're wondering), but after I eat, I keep wondering whether I deserve this, whether its right to spend so much after every exam when I can do so much good to so many people. The funny thing is, although I feel guilty to the core, especially after seeing so many homeless people, the next board exam, I am eager to eat from there again!
Guilt is a feeling which always stays with me. I could even go as far as calling it my best friend, as it sticks with me through all the times. I feel guilty for so many things, like blowing up so much cash on things I don't need, like say a sandwich from Subway, or an Xbox 360. I even asked my grandparents to get me a Playstation 3 after the boards. I feel so so guilty, that I have so much to spend, so much to enjoy, while others don't. But it doesn't end there. I feel especially guilty that I get so much good blessings, while others don't, despite the fact that I am not such a good person. I am ashamed of myself for so many things. I get angry very quickly and sometimes say unthinkable things in my rage, I think of bad things about the people who love me when I am angry, I hate myself. Instead of studying, I waste time by keeping the book open in front of me, even though I fully realise that my parents spend a lot on my education, which millions would give anything to have. I feel guilty that I can't be a good person, that no matter what I try, I still revert to the same old way. Today, I may see a poor kid begging for food, and I may say that I don't need something like a Playstation 3, but the very next day, I still want it. Why can't I be a good person? Why do I have to be angry all the time? Why do I always have to say things that hurt the people who care about me? Why do I hate myself?
There are times when in my head, as these thoughts churn around, another voice comes up, as if it were a conversation going on in my head. The two voices say the opposite things, and every time, it feels like chains are pulling my head away from my neck. Sometimes, I just want to yell "FU*K THIS WORLD" at the top of my voice, in my anger and frustrations, because I disappoint myself and the people who want me to do well in life, and I can't take this any longer, I just can't. I always lie to myself, in a dream world, that maybe one day in the future, I will be truly happy, with a loving family, but I just don't know what true happiness means, I just don't. I have been pretending to be happy for so long, that I just realised that what I've been feeling all this time was not even remotely close to happiness. The only thing close to real happiness that I have experience is when I helped some of my friends when they needed me, but then, that was just once. I yearn to be happy, to be a better human being, to do something worthwhile in this life, to hope that one day when I am gone, someone will miss me. I yearn to end my guilt, to find a way to not feel guilty, and to find the strength needed. I yearn........
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