My Thoughts On Love

I dunno if most share my view or not,but at least I know I have a view,and I'm sticking to it.I look around and I see many of my friends dating,many in relationships,many in so called "love".Obviously,I kinda get jealous.but most think I get jealous cus I'm not that good looking so i wont ever get into a relationship.Well,I cant predict the future,I can hope right?But when I see some people,I get jealous cus of the mutual feeling.The mutual respect,the mutual understanding,the mutual adoration,the need to be with each other.The feeling as if you're just a half part of a whole.I get jealous cus i guess I'll never get that mutual feeling from somebody.Yet,I love fully (maybe it isnt love,but I like calling it love),I give attention,I give respect,I give importance,I give time,I give my patience.So,my perception of love isnt just abt getting married or making out or having sex or flirting or giving expensive gifts.It's about the need to be with the significant other.Its about the need to make the other happy.Its about the need spend every moment together,and not regret even one second of it.Its about becoming a whole,and forgetting the individual halves.Its about facing life together,its about commitment.Its about making the other feel needed,and at the same time,being there for the other no matter what misunderstanding or what difference in views.I view love as the ultimate form of altruism.
I remember watching a movie,Good Will Hunting,where a psychologist (played absolutely beautifully by Robin Williams) says the following lines:




"I ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable— known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you. That could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it’s like to be her angel. To have that love for her, be there for forever. Through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term 'visiting hours' don't apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."


Now,that's exactly how I see love,real love,unconditional love that goes way beyond what the world sees and feels.Such love is so rare,only the two lovers will know its beauty.No book,no movie,no song can replicate its beauty or its importance.
That's my view of love,and I've written so much about it cus I keep thinking about it.Maybe such love exists,maybe it doesn't.You never know till you feel it.I haven't felt it yet,as in,I've given everything for somebody,but it wasnt reciprocated.So,tough though it was,I moved on cus that wasn't real love.I'm 16,you may probably be laughing your ass off,thinking "What the hell is a damn 16 year old being so romantic about", but i cant explain it.It's a thirst in me to be a part of something so noble,so altruistic.cus when in such love,you cant live without your partner,and your partner can't live without you.Two halves make one.It's the "one" that I view as real love.I dunno if most kids my age think of love this way,hence I've refrained from posting it till now.....

Utopia........And A Little More

'Today' is not yet over. It's just evening. It may not be fair from my part to talk about the day's happenings, since the day isn't over yet. But before something sad comes my way, I want to share my joy, the joy I possess due to the fact that I came close to finding Utopia today.
In order to share today's events, let me first take you back in time. An annual tournament held nationwide, known as Horlicks Wiz Kids, chooses three people to represent the particular State. But due to the fierce competition coupled with immense display of talent, the judges decided to allow the participants to start a social movement to do good, as part of a project which would determine their qualification. A friend of mine was one such competitor. She started "Take My Hand". It was simple. Supporters would go and spend time with certain underprivileged people, with the sole aim to spread happiness. After all, happiness too is important, as important as money or food or shelter.


So began the fortnightly visits to Advitya,a humble abode where the mentally challenged are taken care of. I missed the first visit as my coaching class came in the way. But for the second visit, I decided to go, despite the coaching class being there. I would rather spend an hour spreading cheer than solve Pseudo Force and Trigonometry sums.


I went with a nervous heart.I thought I would be depressed seeing the mentally challenged. But I was proven wrong. I went there with my friends to spread joy, but I think it was the people in Advitya who spread the happiness to us. I walked out happy. That place was, in every right, Utopia. Everywhere you looked you saw smiling faces. All of the residents were way older than me and my friends, but they bonded and enjoyed with us. I guess mentally, all of us were on the same page as all of them. All of them loved to sing, dance, tease each other. They had the innocence which is lost in all of us so called "intelligent" people. When we left, they all asked us to come the very next week. I remember a man, Cyrus, whom I had befriended. He told me, "Next time you come, I'll sing better than everybody else". He showed the joy of a child being given the most prized toy of all.


I guess words can't describe the joy, and the beauty of God's work. The joy I felt was the very same joy I feel after watching a good film. This is the first time something in this real world gave such joy. You could get lost in it.


I came back home, and like always, I spent my joyous moments with my beloved films. Million Dollar Baby. I shall not go into the details, suffice it to say that I've never seen human emotions so honestly portrayed. Its been good. Now the final twist.


I did not tell my mother or father that I went to Advitya. I told them that I had an extra class. I feel they know I was lying, judging by their stern behaviour and impatience all of a sudden. The thing is, I like keeping certain things to myself. Maybe "certain" is an understatement, maybe there's a lot. I am happy that I write my thoughts down, be it unending teen angst or a poem about a butterfly. I'm happy that I have this blog to post my writings. It gives me space. Even if I'm known to be someone I'm not, it's good because I know who I am. I share my writings with only a handful of people, that too is an exaggeration in its own right. But it keeps relationships special. It may be that I want someone to know what I feel. But even that, I now feel, is unnecessary. You are your own hero, idol, villain, guide. But if you are reading this because I asked you to, then please remember, I trust you. I just wanted to share a little of my joy, a little of my soul. I can never express it completely, for it has to be experienced and not read. Happiness exists in the unlikeliest of places, in the smallest of rooms and most hidden corners. So does Utopia.  You just need to be patient, and pointed in the right direction.


I'll never forget today......




Well,that was last monday,27th of September. Since then, I realised my prediction did come true, regarding my parents that is. A whole shitstorm (pardon my language, shitstorm really matches the situation) did happen, I got all my saved cash taken away, my computer rights taken away, along with my cell and joy. Yes, it was hell. But after all was said and done, I can still say this- I'm not guilty. Is it my fault to feel the need to keep things to myself? It's not like I went to do drugs or drink booze :P
So, before going to bed that day, I said a thank you to God, for the whole day's experiences, the good ones as well as the bad, for if it weren't for the good experiences, the bad wouldn't be there either. They are like two sides of a coin. You don't get one side as a single package, you get both, and its just a matter of time before the coin toss results in the other side. It is true, too much happiness and you will cry. But I'm okay with that. Cus a few moments of happiness to me is worth more than my life itself.....
That's it for now. Goodnight dear reader :)

Wake Me, Sleeping Beauty........

This poem was influenced by a dialogue from one of my favourite video games-Max Payne.In the game,Max says "All this time we got the fable of Sleeping Beauty wrong. The prince didn't kiss her to wake her up. No one who slept for a hundred years is likely to wake up. It was the other way round. He kisses her to wake himself up from the nightmare that has brought him there".....Well,the rest is self explanatory,sort of my own take on the dialogue,or rather,my expansion of it

The first thing I notice is your pale countenance,

Undisturbed by my intrusive presence,

Your red lips still preserve your beautiful essence,

And I seek a boon at the end of this penance.

I edge closer and closer,

Trying not to disturb your peaceful slumber,

But before I cross the final frontier,

I hesitate and remember.

It was the time when I was still a child,

Or so I thought in my mind,

All it took was a fleeting glance,

And I ignored all that could chance.

Soon, you were gone, I was alone,

I saw the cruel world, it had no soul,

The pain and sorrow was too much to bear,

Everything else too little for me to care.

I turned to the aged minister for advice,

But it was just like throwing a dice,

By chance it led me some place,

I didn't notice the chance due to my haste.

I began thinking I was dreaming,

That the whole world represented my sanity fleeing,

Maybe reality was a different cup of tea,

Some place where all could equally see.

I convinced myself that I was living an illusion,

Erasing it became my mission,

I had no idea how or why,

So I aimlessly wandered, looking at the sky.

Then I remembered the day I got smitten,

Everything about you had me gotten,

I remember you made me forget everything,

The same bliss I wanted to experience to stop pretending.

I searched for you far and wide,

Faces I met, so different from my kind,

I searched for you in so many places,

Your tower was more imposing than the shadow of Colossus.

I stand before your glass bed,

All I want is for you to wake me up,

I wish to not disturb your sleep,

I wish to see the real world and end the pain,

For once, I need real bliss,

So I stand before you as your Prince Charming,

I close my eyes and touch your miraculously moist lips,

Set me free, Sleeping Beauty,

Awaken me, Sleeping Beauty,

Give me peace, Sleeping Beauty,

As you continue to slumber in oblivion,

I kiss you on your lips,

But I still keep my eyes closed for fear of failure,

Help me, Wake me, Oh Sleeping Beauty........

The Ballad Of A Grieving Man

Its been seven years since we spiralled out of control,

The image of the glass shards still vivid in my mind,

I woke up to blinding light,

The whiteness felt like bliss,

The bliss that made the physical pain go away,

The bliss that hid the pains to come,

Blackness engulfed me once again.

I woke up in a rainy afternoon,

They told me I had slept for two long days,

That I barely survived,

My two passengers were not so lucky,

They had left me behind,

The engulfing black was heaven's gates closing,

I had a rain of my own inside,

A rain of salty tears.

Father,Mother,friends,cousins-they all came,

They offered a shoulder to cry on,

From their mouths escaped words of consolation,

Words that they knew went to deaf ears,

I wanted to tear myself apart,

For not having said goodbye.

Julia and I fought on the downward slope,

My anger literally made me blind,

And now,they both were buried without my presence,

The funeral was on that rainy afternoon.

I asked my best friend to describe it,

Julia had a long black coffin, the usual,

And my beautiful Sarah had the little one,

The one that would melt the coldest heart,

Everyone reassured me that everything was beyond my control.

I begged to differ,

Silently I returned back home.

The big hall was eerily empty,

Sarah's piercing laughter gone,

I entered my baby girl's room,

Her little bed still had her smell,

I noticed her table, it had her books,

I saw her childish handwriting,

"Mummy and Daddy,the best in the world",

I clutched the book and walked upstairs.

I locked away the book in my drawer,

Then i looked at a small cube like box,

It had a large diamond ring,

The ring Julia had wanted to buy six years ago,

But we couldn't afford it then,

This was supposed to be my gift to her.

I fetched my diary and began to read,

The day I got married to Julia,

Her overflowing white dress,

The silent chapel, her glowing white face,

Pink with blush, eyes shining with eagerness,

Her long black hair open, adding to her magnificent visage,

She held my hand tightly, surrendering to my protection,

I swore to keep her safe,

I broke my oath.

The years of waiting,

Until one day, Julia put my palm on her soft belly,

I knew we would have a daughter,

She was born on a sunny Sunday,

I felt the whole world echoed my joy,

Her baby cries, her first wobbly steps,

Her face resembling her beautiful mother,

Her first word,"Mama",her learning to talk,

 Her tiny hands, soft skin, and her limp lifeless body came back.

I clutched my diary and weeped,

Weeped like never before,

Weeped ever long,

Until my tired body could take no more,

I tried to remember why I was angry, why we fought,

I wished the reasons were good and not pathetic.

I swore to punish myself for taking away,

Two kind and beautiful souls,

I drank, I worked, and drank again,

Erasing everyone who mattered,

I said hurtful things, they condemned me,

It was all part of my sentence.

I lost my job, there was only so much they could tolerate,

I allowed people to pity me,

I took a knife and cut myself,

Just to see if I bled,

Just to see if I was in a dream,

Red drops of sorrow did escape,

I was wide awake.

Now I look in the mirror,

Those lines, white hair, tiredness and pain,

They all show on my face,

Seven years of punishment, well deserved,

But any more I cannot take.

Maybe they would hate me for who I am,

Maybe Julia would no longer find me handsome,

Maybe Sarah would look at me and run away afraid,

Unbearable thoughts flashed, but it didn't matter,

They were all gone.

I have patiently paid my price,

Seven years of  self induced punishment,

Now I perform the last rites,

I open the locked drawer, take out the ring,

I take out Sarah's book,

I lock everything and walk out, not looking back.

I go to their graves, one big gravestone and one tiny,

I place the ring, the book and my diary,

I whisper, "I should've been here",

And I walk towards my final destination.

I stand on top of the bridge,

The sea beneath foaming in its angry waves,

I decide to end my punishment,

I want to see my beautiful ladies,

I jump, there are no onlookers,

The cold water enters my lungs,

I see a white light,

I wonder if its heaven's doors,

The same doors that closed seven years ago,

But now I surround it with my own blackness,

As my heart squeezes out one last red tear,

I end this ballad of a grieving soul.

Now that was long,its just a story I thought up,but since there was hardly enough material to make it into a proper story,I found it better to make it a poem.Sorry for boring you with something so long.....

My Love For You Dear

I feel me sinking deep into the quicksand,

I wish you were here to hold my hand,

I can't think of the knee deep doom,

I can't think of my approaching tomb,

All I can think of is what got me here,

And it is my love for you dear.

We were fourteen when we first met,

You and I belonged in our own separate set,

Unbeknownst to me,the sentence had been proclaimed,

And it was decided what would be my fate,

All I could think about was giving you my heart,

All because of my love for you dear.

Some days,I'd be madly in love with you,

Some days,I'd ask myself,"Is this true?",

I was like two separate beings,

Both wanting two different things,

But I ignored my other half,

All because of my love for you dear.

Writing and reading was a great passion,

But I let them go,to be in your fashion,

So that I could be closer,

So that I could keep you happy and hold you near,

I threw my other half's love away,

All because of my love for you dear.

Alienated by half my mind,

Facing rivalry from another of my kind,

Success was unsure,failure was imminent,

But you beautiful visage kept me persistent,

I risked losing everything,

All because of my love for you dear.

Every living day was hell,

Dreams crumbled as trees fell,

Then you came and said "Yes",

As bliss overcame,God Bless,

It made the pain worthwhile,

All because of my love for you dear.

As days moved forward,the harsh realisation hit,

I would never be as special as him,or an equal fit,

Our relationship was strained,

My other half knew a little was feigned,

It was something I ignored,

All because of my love for you dear.

It was a dream I was living in,

A dream ending in my sin,

Breaking your heart and shattering it to pieces,

Never stopping to pick up my own heart's little pieces,

I sat broken,pained and patient,

All because of my love for you dear.

Years later,I realised the truth in your "I'd Go",

My other half loved saying "I told you so",

I jolted awake from my dream,

Life had moved on while I was stuck,it seemed,

Below my feet,I found quicksand,

All because of my love for you.

It was the half life I was satisfied with,

Half your affection,half my mind's love,

Half my mind's craving to be acknowledged its worth,

The other half crying that its dreams were lost,

Now the sand waist deep,

I know there is no escape,

So I close my eyes and imagine,

You coming and holding my hand,

And me telling my other half its favourite line,

As I let you take my soul away,

I close my eyes and die,

Long before the sand swallows my shadow,

All because of my love for you dear....

Why I Love Going To The Theatres

I just returned home after watching what I consider the best movie known to mankind-Inception.Anyway,that's not why I'm writing.As I was returning home in my father;s car,at around 8:30 in the night,exhausted and entertained,with a steaming hot pizza on my hand,I had what Dream Theater calls "A Train Of Thought".I was filled with joy that I was blessed enough to see such a wonderful movie. But then, the word "blessed" stuck around. On my way back, in this lovely city of Mumbai, I witnessed people going home after their everyday hard work finished. I saw their tired bodies yearning for rest, I also saw their bony chests heave. I also saw people still working, beads of sweat pouring out of their foreheads at the late hour. I was wondering, what's the point in enjoying a movie and eating expensive food, while people work day and night to give their family the next day's bread. This is a common thought, one that I have put up in my blog many times. But what's so special about this night, is that I had a realisation. All these days, I used to be under the illusion that film-making was my goal. But after what I saw, after what I thought, I realised that film making shouldn't be my goal. Films are optional, they aren't a necessity. What is necessary however, is a way to make the world an easier place to live for others. What is necessary is to do something worthwhile of my life. There will be countless opportunities for me to keep myself happy, like say, marrying the girl of my dreams, having loving children, being a loving son, being a good father, so on and so forth. But there are very few opportunities in life where you can make others happy. There are few moments in life where you can put a smile on others' faces, and also do something very worthwhile. I decided to abandon my thoughts of film making, and focus on becoming a doc. There is nothing greater than easing the pain of a fellow human being, a desperate human being. All those people who work days and nights, including weekends, they do it to take care of their families, and they too need to be taken care of. Movies-I'm happy to watch and enjoy them, I'm even happy to brainstorm the movie's plot, but I've decided that my life's goal is to help. And all this became reality only because I went to watch a movie in the theatre.No wonder I truly love the theatres!!!!!

The Lone Butterfly

Okay dear reader,this is another one of my poems.I was inspired to write this only today morning,early morning to be exact.I woke up,and I found a butterfly lying dead just beside me on my bed.I was touched by this,I couldn't stop thinking about it,and hence,I wrote my thoughts in the form of this poem.If it's not scientifically accurate,please forgive me,I just wrote what was in my mind.And finally,enjoy,and please do give me the feedback!!!

I was born a weakling,
A small, green and crawling thing,
My mother gave me honey,
For in my world, it is as good as money.


I learnt to crawl the day I was born,
I had no siblings to look with love or scorn,
In the world so big, I heard my mother sing,
I also wondered who was the king.


I woke up the next day to find my mother asleep,
She wouldn't wake up, I knew I couldn't keep
My calm, my smile; I was alone,
And fear rippled through my bones.


I wandered in the big and cruel world,
All night, I would lay by myself curled,
But one day, I was locked in a prison,
Unable to see the sun, beautifully crimson.


In my prison, I gave thought,
To all the reasons, to why everyone fought,
I thought of my mother who had died,
And all the time, I wondered why I didn't cry.


I thought of my reflection from a river,
An image that made me shiver,
I thought about how I had looked,
Something small, green and crooked.


Before I knew it, blinding light came through,
As I fell from my prison, I flew,
And now from a great height I could see,
The same world, which yesterday I saw, on my knees.


I went to the same river from where I saw,
My reflection and thought myself flawed,
But from what I saw then, I was in doubt,
Whether it was my mother's reflection that I had found.


I had wings filled with dots,
And my mind was filled with thoughts,
I flew again in the air,
My joy I only wanted to share.


Many like me I met on the way,
We had so many things to say,
We drank the nectar sweeter than bliss,
And with our lips, the river water we kissed.


Later in the evening, I started feeling weak,
So I decided to go back and sleep,
Little did I know the sleep would be my last,
Before I leave and forget the past.


I sat down by a rock, my wings refused to move,
A whisper told me I had reached my tomb,
I thought of my very short life,
One with sorrow, retrospect, joy and strife.


I took my last few breaths in peace,
I refused to allow any thoughts to crease,
I said to the large world my last goodbye,
And died a lone butterfly.......


So,how was it?I know,its mostly stupid,but like I said before,what the hell,this is my blog!!!Thanks for reading this,dear reader.Have a good night :)