The Ballad Of A Grieving Man

Its been seven years since we spiralled out of control,

The image of the glass shards still vivid in my mind,

I woke up to blinding light,

The whiteness felt like bliss,

The bliss that made the physical pain go away,

The bliss that hid the pains to come,

Blackness engulfed me once again.

I woke up in a rainy afternoon,

They told me I had slept for two long days,

That I barely survived,

My two passengers were not so lucky,

They had left me behind,

The engulfing black was heaven's gates closing,

I had a rain of my own inside,

A rain of salty tears.

Father,Mother,friends,cousins-they all came,

They offered a shoulder to cry on,

From their mouths escaped words of consolation,

Words that they knew went to deaf ears,

I wanted to tear myself apart,

For not having said goodbye.

Julia and I fought on the downward slope,

My anger literally made me blind,

And now,they both were buried without my presence,

The funeral was on that rainy afternoon.

I asked my best friend to describe it,

Julia had a long black coffin, the usual,

And my beautiful Sarah had the little one,

The one that would melt the coldest heart,

Everyone reassured me that everything was beyond my control.

I begged to differ,

Silently I returned back home.

The big hall was eerily empty,

Sarah's piercing laughter gone,

I entered my baby girl's room,

Her little bed still had her smell,

I noticed her table, it had her books,

I saw her childish handwriting,

"Mummy and Daddy,the best in the world",

I clutched the book and walked upstairs.

I locked away the book in my drawer,

Then i looked at a small cube like box,

It had a large diamond ring,

The ring Julia had wanted to buy six years ago,

But we couldn't afford it then,

This was supposed to be my gift to her.

I fetched my diary and began to read,

The day I got married to Julia,

Her overflowing white dress,

The silent chapel, her glowing white face,

Pink with blush, eyes shining with eagerness,

Her long black hair open, adding to her magnificent visage,

She held my hand tightly, surrendering to my protection,

I swore to keep her safe,

I broke my oath.

The years of waiting,

Until one day, Julia put my palm on her soft belly,

I knew we would have a daughter,

She was born on a sunny Sunday,

I felt the whole world echoed my joy,

Her baby cries, her first wobbly steps,

Her face resembling her beautiful mother,

Her first word,"Mama",her learning to talk,

 Her tiny hands, soft skin, and her limp lifeless body came back.

I clutched my diary and weeped,

Weeped like never before,

Weeped ever long,

Until my tired body could take no more,

I tried to remember why I was angry, why we fought,

I wished the reasons were good and not pathetic.

I swore to punish myself for taking away,

Two kind and beautiful souls,

I drank, I worked, and drank again,

Erasing everyone who mattered,

I said hurtful things, they condemned me,

It was all part of my sentence.

I lost my job, there was only so much they could tolerate,

I allowed people to pity me,

I took a knife and cut myself,

Just to see if I bled,

Just to see if I was in a dream,

Red drops of sorrow did escape,

I was wide awake.

Now I look in the mirror,

Those lines, white hair, tiredness and pain,

They all show on my face,

Seven years of punishment, well deserved,

But any more I cannot take.

Maybe they would hate me for who I am,

Maybe Julia would no longer find me handsome,

Maybe Sarah would look at me and run away afraid,

Unbearable thoughts flashed, but it didn't matter,

They were all gone.

I have patiently paid my price,

Seven years of  self induced punishment,

Now I perform the last rites,

I open the locked drawer, take out the ring,

I take out Sarah's book,

I lock everything and walk out, not looking back.

I go to their graves, one big gravestone and one tiny,

I place the ring, the book and my diary,

I whisper, "I should've been here",

And I walk towards my final destination.

I stand on top of the bridge,

The sea beneath foaming in its angry waves,

I decide to end my punishment,

I want to see my beautiful ladies,

I jump, there are no onlookers,

The cold water enters my lungs,

I see a white light,

I wonder if its heaven's doors,

The same doors that closed seven years ago,

But now I surround it with my own blackness,

As my heart squeezes out one last red tear,

I end this ballad of a grieving soul.

Now that was long,its just a story I thought up,but since there was hardly enough material to make it into a proper story,I found it better to make it a poem.Sorry for boring you with something so long.....

My Love For You Dear

I feel me sinking deep into the quicksand,

I wish you were here to hold my hand,

I can't think of the knee deep doom,

I can't think of my approaching tomb,

All I can think of is what got me here,

And it is my love for you dear.

We were fourteen when we first met,

You and I belonged in our own separate set,

Unbeknownst to me,the sentence had been proclaimed,

And it was decided what would be my fate,

All I could think about was giving you my heart,

All because of my love for you dear.

Some days,I'd be madly in love with you,

Some days,I'd ask myself,"Is this true?",

I was like two separate beings,

Both wanting two different things,

But I ignored my other half,

All because of my love for you dear.

Writing and reading was a great passion,

But I let them go,to be in your fashion,

So that I could be closer,

So that I could keep you happy and hold you near,

I threw my other half's love away,

All because of my love for you dear.

Alienated by half my mind,

Facing rivalry from another of my kind,

Success was unsure,failure was imminent,

But you beautiful visage kept me persistent,

I risked losing everything,

All because of my love for you dear.

Every living day was hell,

Dreams crumbled as trees fell,

Then you came and said "Yes",

As bliss overcame,God Bless,

It made the pain worthwhile,

All because of my love for you dear.

As days moved forward,the harsh realisation hit,

I would never be as special as him,or an equal fit,

Our relationship was strained,

My other half knew a little was feigned,

It was something I ignored,

All because of my love for you dear.

It was a dream I was living in,

A dream ending in my sin,

Breaking your heart and shattering it to pieces,

Never stopping to pick up my own heart's little pieces,

I sat broken,pained and patient,

All because of my love for you dear.

Years later,I realised the truth in your "I'd Go",

My other half loved saying "I told you so",

I jolted awake from my dream,

Life had moved on while I was stuck,it seemed,

Below my feet,I found quicksand,

All because of my love for you.

It was the half life I was satisfied with,

Half your affection,half my mind's love,

Half my mind's craving to be acknowledged its worth,

The other half crying that its dreams were lost,

Now the sand waist deep,

I know there is no escape,

So I close my eyes and imagine,

You coming and holding my hand,

And me telling my other half its favourite line,

As I let you take my soul away,

I close my eyes and die,

Long before the sand swallows my shadow,

All because of my love for you dear....