Juliet

The cold air conditioned operating room greeted Tom as he walked in,fully scrubbed.The dim room with depressing green curtains and robes made almost every person in the room look alike,but it was clear who was in charge.The patient was lying face down,unconscious,oblivious.A doctor who's name Tom did not know approached Tom.He began telling Tom all the details regarding the case.Tom didn't want to listen,he just wanted to get it over with.Two surgeries in one day,a third one at 2 in the night,the world seemed to be going mad.Tom had had a pretty tiring day,after all,spinal surgeries aren't a piece of cake.But Tom knew what he was doing all the time,he had steady hands,and one really sharp brain to create a life-saving,money minting pair.As soon as the unnamed doctor finished briefing Tom,Tom had only one thing to say:
"Shall we begin?"
It was a gruelling task,a good two hours minimum,if all went well.But of course,there were so many factors which the "well" depended on.But Tom didn't care.To him,this was just another human life to be saved,after all,he had signed up for this just to save lives,and saving lives doesn't come with fixed working hours.He knew the deal,he took it.But what most forget to fathom-the mind does not always have power over the body.True,will is there,but there's only so much will can do.Tom learnt the lesson the hard way.He willed himself to operate tirelessly,but his body needed the rest.It was about an hour and a half into the surgery that his body made him realise his mistake.One twitch,that was all it took to stop Tom's heart for a whole second.One twitch,that was enough to almost guarantee that the sleeping patient would not move another muscle forever.Nobody noticed,but Tom's trained mind did.A first bead of sweat escaped Tom's clean white forehead,despite the air conditioning.He did finish the surgery.There was no way of knowing the after effects till they came.That's a sad fact of life.It was a gruelling 45 minutes more before he could disrobe himself,and he made sure that he would be most slow,careful and vigilant.But milk,once spilt,cannot be poured back into the glass.He didn't wait to talk to the spectating doctors.He immediately went to the surprisingly empty doctor's lounge,there was always someone there either taking a break from an operation,or finding an excuse to stay away from home.But on that day,the lounge was empty.Tom slumped onto the leather couch,ready to ponder,ready to let his thoughts plot its own course within his conscience.


Tom just sat in the dark lounge,without turning on a single light or fan.He just sat in the eerie solitude.He hadn't even known the patient.He had just seen the patient lying upside down.He had just seen the open back of his patient.He still didn't know if his patient was under-age or an adult,he didn't know his patient's name,he didn't know what he had cost his patient due to his tiresome body.He berated himself for not allowing himself some rest.He berated himself for thinking he could save everybody.But the fact that hit him the most was he had almost certainly ruined the life of someone who didn't even know he existed.A saviour causing pain.He suddenly lost all emotional feeling,he felt numb inside.He didn't know what to feel.He picked up his phone,opened his contacts list.Jack Walcott,there it was.It was strange that despite the fact that Tom had called Jack,his best friend,atleast a thousand times,he still didn't know the number by heart.He pressed the green button,and put the receiver to his ear.Each ring took longer than the previous.It seemed after an eternity that the ringing stopped,and was answered by a groggy voice.
"Yeah,what happened?"
Tom hesitated,he didn't know what to say.
"Tom,you there?" came another question from the other end.
"I'll call you later,sorry",said Tom.He hung up.He didn't know what to say.He turned his phone off,he didn't want to answer a call he was certain he would receive from Jack.He got up to leave the lounge,he just wanted to leave the empty room.On his way out,he stopped in front of a mirror.There was barely any light.He flicked the switch on,and was surprised at this reflection.The mirror showed a tall man,decently built,but with sunken green eyes,shadow of a beard,unkempt blonde hair,and an expression that said "I need a break from life".Tom didn't think anything.He turned the switch off.Darkness flooded the room once again,but Tom opened the door and left the empty darkness behind.The corridor ahead was quiet.Tom walked,not knowing where.He just wanted to do something,maybe then he would start feeling something.He reached the stairs.He chose to go down.The staircase was dark.He felt as if the whole world was sleeping,and only he was awake.He reached the ground floor,and looked around.He saw a couple of sleeping people,probably relatives of patients in the ICU or Post Op ward.Tom kept walking forward,absent minded,drowning in his own mind,hoping to catch a glimmer of feeling.
"Hello Dr.Thomas,I didn't know you were still here.Would you like a cup of coffee?"
Tom turned around.It was Maria,the good natured receptionist,who almost always had the night duty.All she had to do was watch soap operas on the insanely small TV of hers,unless of course,on the rare occasion of a case walking in late at night.
"No thanks Maria",said Tom,with a difficult smile.Maria gave a shrug,and she promptly got back to her TV.It must've been on mute,no sound was coming from it.Tom looked at Maria once again.
"Actually,can you help me out?I operated on a patient just now,can you give me her whole file?"
Maria nodded,her chubby good natured face showing no irritation.Tom walked up to the reception.
"You look terrible doctor.No sleep?"
"You too noticed eh?Yeah,no sleep."
Maria nodded again,as she searched her database.She opened a drawer below the table,and immediately pulled out a thin yellow file.It seemed too thin,not too much info.Tom smiled,took the file.
"I won't be long"
He went back to the lounge,this time on the elevator.He immediately turned the fans and lights on.He took a seat on the couch once again,and opened the file.The first thing he noticed was the patient's photo.It was a girl.She had long brown hair,thin yet beautiful eyebrows,blue and expressive eyes,and pink lips.She looked incredibly pretty,but there was something extremely pained in her eyes.She looked as if she were silently begging the viewer to save her.
"I was supposed to save her,but I gave her another reason to be saved from",thought Tom sorrowfully.He looked to the right of the picture.
Name-Juliet Brooks
Age-25
Ethnicity-Caucasian
That was all that was in the file.He turned the page.
"Previous medical history unknown"
He turned the page.
"Case History:Patient involved in a drunk and drive accident.Major concussion,fractured right leg,shard penetration in the spine,no consciousness."
He had operated on her spine,he had removed 3 glass shards,it was during the 4th one that his hand twitched.He suddenly went back,in his mind,to the Operating Room.He didn't remember a patient with long brown hair.All he saw was a thin patient with boy-cut hair.He hadn't even seen her face.He turned the file for more info,but that was all.No medical history,no home address,nothing.He got up from the lounge,and went back down to the reception,this time by the stairs.He went straight to the reception.He placed the file on the table,and cleared his throat,Maria was too engrossed on her mysteriously soundless TV show.
"Oh Dr Thomas,I hope the file was of help."
Tom looked at the file again,and without looking up,he said,
"How was she brought in?I mean,the patient,how was she brought in?"
Maria looked puzzled.
"What do you mean doctor?"
Tom was getting irritated suddenly.
"Was she driven her? Was she in an ambulance?"
Maria gave a relieved expression.
"Oh,she was brought in by the Emergency Services Ambulance.We were the nearest hospital,so they brought her here."
Tom was even more curious.
"Did they find anything on her?Wallet?Address?Anything?"
"They did find a wallet,but it had just a few dollars and a hospital bill from Gonsalves Memorial.No address,no cards,no photos,nothing.We got her old picture and age from Gonsalves,they faxed it in.No history is known.She apparently went to consult a gynaecologist.Routine pregnancy check is what they said.They didn't add it to her file 'cus apparently she didn't have the cash to pay for the treatment"
Tom asked,"Has anyone tried to contact her yet?"
"No doctor.Say,why are you so interested?"
"I have my reasons.Is there any way someone can be intimated regarding her condition?"
Maria gave an expression of deep thought.
"She was brought in wearing a waitress' uniform,maybe it has an id card.Want me to check?"
Tom nodded.Maria got out of the reception area and went into a small back door.Tom was temporarily left alone in thought.Was she poor?Could she pay for this?Did she have anyone?Those were one of the many questions running within Tom's head.Tom just wanted some reason to calm himself,he didn't know what.Maybe the fact that Juliet had some family,or maybe the fact that she could be okay the next day....but Tom wasn't kidding himself.He wanted to,but he didn't.Maria returned with a badge.
"RodoShack Diner"
Maria gave the badge to Tom.
"Its a diner,about a couple of blocks from here,doctor.There was nothing else."
Tom nodded his thanks,and walked back up to the lounge.He sat slowly on the couch.Juliet was a 25 year old waitress,working hard to make ends meet,and he had just ruined everything for her.He wanted to cry,or shout,or even laugh,but the blank feeling was killing him.He put the badge in his pocket,and sat without any thought,until his body took over and lulled him into a sleep.


"Tom?Tom?Tom?You okay?Wake up!"
Tom heard these words as echoes in an eternally long corridor.He suddenly woke up,and for a moment,he felt hopeful.Maybe the operation was a dream.But he felt a small weight in his chest pocket.It was the badge.Everything was real.He looked up at the source of the voice.It was Jack.
"Jesus Christ,I was worried Tom.What happened?"
Tom looked at his watch.8:30 am it showed.He immediately got up and rushed out the lounge,leaving Jack behind with a puzzled gaze.The anaesthesia would have worn off.Tom would know if Juliet was okay or not.He ran down to the first floor,the Post Op Ward.The nurse knew him,she flashed a smile,but he couldn't recall her name.He just smiled back and rushed in.He looked at the patient bed list.Juliet Brooks,bed 26.Tom walked briskly to the end of the dark passageway.Bed 26.He saw her for the first time,face looking sunken and tired,eyes closed.Maybe she was asleep.He saw a nurse two bed's away.He signalled her.She came to him.
"What's this patient's condition?"
The nurse consulted her charts.
"Patient's anaesthesia wore off at 6:55 today morning,but she has not responded to external stimuli.All her metabolic functions seem to be working properly.Suspected paralysis."
Tom did not take his eyes off Juliet's tired face,serenely asleep.He nodded his thanks.The nurse left.He just stood there,looking at her,looking at the fruits of his mistake.He lost track of time.He only noticed her chest go up and down,taking in slow breaths.He felt somebody's hand on his shoulder.He turned around,and saw Jack.
"Wanna tell me what happened?"
Tom said,
"Lets go to the cafeteria."


Over breakfast,Tom told Jack everything-his twitch,his mistake,his emotional numbness,his guilt,his helplessness.Tom said,
"Jack,have I killed this young girl?"
Jack slowly chewed his piece of sausage.He then replied,after swallowing.
"I suppose it's useless to tell you that things like this happen in our line of work.I mean,it could've happened to me too,and for all I know,it will.It just was unfortunate that a young woman fell victim to this."
Tom looked at Jack.
" 'Fell victim'?You talk as if it was an act of God or fate.It was my bloody error,and now she's a bloody vegetable.You know,the hospital's keeping her only 'cus emergency services brought her in?She has no known way of paying the goddamn bills"
Jack immediately replied.
"Tom you fool,you can't play angel,not in this world.Don't you get it?We can only be as good as the world allows us to be.Right now,the hospital's keeping her alive,the hospital's given her a bed.Mistakes happen,but it doesn't mean you should take her in and live with her or anything does it?True,the hospital needs a damn profit but-"
Tom cut in.
"Profit?PROFIT?A young girl who's whole future's ruined is lying without any sensation in the goddamn ward,and the you're telling me about profit?"


"Tom,I'm just telling you what the hospital wants.I know you're bleeding.I know you want to set right to the wrong,but I can't help you,neither can you.You can only deal with it,'cus what's done is done.You can't bring her back"


"Easy for you to say "what's done is done",Jack.It wasn't your scalpel that condemned a young girl to the bed"


Tom got up and started to leave.
"Tom,don't do anything stupid.Tom!Tom,stay goddammit!"


Tom just went to the doors,got out,went straight to his car,and drove home.He got 7 calls from Jack,he answered none.Tom entered his home,dumped all his clothes in the washing machine,and stepped into the cold shower.He just stood there,allowing the cold water to calm him.But he wasn't calm.The gravity of his actions began dawning on him like an avalanche on a single skier.He wanted to cry so much.It's one thing to choke back tears,and it's another to fight for them.He had to do something.He got out of shower,and called the hospital reception.The receptionist picked up.


"This is Dr.Tom Thomas.I need you to let me know if any visitor or enquiry is there for Post Op patient 26,Juliet Brooks.Can you do that?Page me if there is,okay?"


"Sure doctor."


Tom lay down on his bed,his pager beside him.He placed a call to his boss,Kate Mason.
"Kate,I'm really worked up,I won't be able to operate today,so please can you not page me for any case?"


"Sure Tom,I've been telling you to take a break for so long!Good for you"


"Thanks Kate"


Tom now looked at his pager.If it beeped,he'd know that Juliet had somebody.He'd feel a little reassured.So,he waited.He kept looking at the ceiling.The shadow of the window pane slowly moved from left to right,and finally vanished.Tom lay motionless,not even moving to turn the light on.It became midnight,and he lost his patience.No visitor,no call.He decided to go to RodoShack Diner and ask about Juliet,after all,she worked there.He changed immediately,not even pausing for a bite.He hadn't eaten anything since that slight morning breakfast.For some reason,he felt this was more important.He hailed a cab,and asked him to drive to the diner.Tom paid the cabby extra,and he didn't stop for a change,nor did he acknowledge the cabby's grateful words.He just got out and gazed at an old but respectable diner.On the roof of the single floor building was a picture of a vinyl record,with "RodoShack Diner" written on it.Both the O's were blinking,the rest were lit up in uniform white light.The diner was still open,to Tom's surprise.Tom walked in to find a thin balding man idly wiping washed plates.His eyes lit up when he saw Tom walk in,nobody hated a customer after all.
"We got hot bacon sir,and fresh chicken sandwiches,grilled if you want it that way.Want me to knock 'em up for you sir?"
Tom nodded.He waited for the thin man to return.The man did return.
"We don't see many people here at this time,most come in the morning.I'm Jim by the way sir"
"I'm Tom"
"Well,nice to meet ya Tom,another night without business and I swear I would've got the sack,we all would have.Of course,there ain't much of us to say "all",plus,Juliet that damn girl's gone missing.Lemme go get you some coffee sir"
"Wait Jim.Juliet isn't missing,she's in the DCC General.She met with an accident,I'm her doctor.I actually came to ask you about her only"
Jim's eyes darkened,he was genuinely worried.
"Is she gonna be alright sir?"
"We'll get to that in a bit.But it's important that you tell me about her Jim,it may help us help her."
Jim pulled up another chair and sat opposite Tom.
"What do you wanna know about Juliet sir?Just tell me she'll be okay,I'll do anything"
"First tell me,does she have family?"
"None that I know of sir.All i know is,about three years ago,she came knockin' on this doorstep.I knew the very moment I set eyes on her that she had no cash on her,but she seemed like one really hungry girl,plus I have a daughter her age,so I pitied her and I let her stay.She never told me about any family.But she proved herself useful,she quickly learnt to wash the dishes,keep the place clean.She began helpin' me out a lot.I even taught her to cook a lil' somethin'.Then,Big Arthur,the owner of this joint,found out about her,and he took her with him to his house.She did come to work every day,but she slowly began to lose whatever little cheer she had.There were rumours tha Arthur was screwin' her,but what can I do sir?I have three mouths to feed,and two young girls to fend for,I couldn't raise a voice against Arthur."
Tom remembered the Gonsalves Memorial report of Juliet's visit to a gynaecologist.Maybe she was being taken advantage of every night.
"Tell me sir,is Juliet gonna be okay?"
"Jim,Juliet met with an accident.She's paralysed now,and she'll stay that way.No one's visited her,and this diner's badge was all I had from her,so I came.Jim,she needs someone to watch over her all the time,the hospital will keep her only for so long.Can you take her in Jim?"
"I would like to sir,believe me,I would,but then I'd have to starve my own daughters..but sir,please don't let Arthur know about Juliet.Arthur thinks she ran away,best leave it at that.Let the poor girl be alone."
Tom nodded.He took 50 dollars from his wallet,placed it on the table,and got up.
"Goodnight Jim"
"Juliet's a nice girl sir,please don't let her go to ruins."
Tom thought to himself,"I already have".


Tom was greeted by a surprising sight when he reached home.Jack was standing outside his door.
"You ignore my calls for a whole day,Christ,I was worried you'd done something stupid like resign or something."

"C'mon in Jack."

"Now,before you ask,Tom,she's still in the same condition,and we did run scans and tests.There's no way she's gonna recover.She'll remain in her current state till death.I suggested that we euthanise her to Kate,she was against it.She doesn't wanna spend hospital fund on a plea for euthanasia. "

Tom remained silent.Then he finally said,
"That girl's been through so much Jack.Did I add another thorn to her wound?"

"Are you insane Tom?You're acting like an emotional fool for Pete's sakes.Can't you realise that you made a damn mistake?Okay,the girl's paralysed,you can't do anything about it can ya?Look,if the girl were alright and about to make a recovery,even if she didn't pay,we'd have her out of our asses,but since she's paralysed,we're stuck with her,or rather,the hospital is.The hospital will find some way to dispose of her,and you'll be free of her,I'll make sure of that."

"ARE YOU SO DAMN INSENSITIVE?I CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF FOR WHAT I'VE DONE,AND YOU THINK I WANT HER DISPOSED?.........I thought you could understand me Jack,I thought you would,after all these years."

"No Tom,I don't understand you one bit.You think you can be a saint and save everybody,you're gonna get more people,including yourself killed!!And the hospital is behind my ass to get you under control,so that we can dispose of the girl and have the bed free for a patient who can pay the damn bills."

Tom looked at Jack with disgust.

"So,the hospital's behind you to convince me to help the hospital "dispose" of the girl?I didn't know you were that selfish Jack.What happened to the Jack who talked hours and hours with me about God's mercy and goodness?"

"That Jack who talked to you was the Jack who liked to dream.This is the real me,Tom.And I don't wanna tell you what you wanna hear,I will tell you what's real,'cus you need to do what's best for the hospital,for me and for you."

Tom gave a cold stare to Jack.

"Get the hell out of my house"

"Tom,listen to me.I know you blame yourself.I know what you feel.I-"

"How dare you say you know what I feel after all you've said?"

"Just listen for a minute Tom.I know you feel miserable,and judging from what you've told me,the girl has nobody to fend for her,she has nobody to take care of her.I think it's best for her,as well as the hospital,if she is silently put to sleep.There's a nurse shift change at 7pm every evening,I'll arrange for the medicine cabinet to remain unlocked just tomorrow.Do the right thing Tom.Look,I'm asking you to do this 'cus I'm up for promotion.Tom,I'll soon be one of the Board members,don't you get it?Since you're my friend,they expect me to control you for Pete's sakes,and believe me,I don't like this either,but Board of Directors is someplace where I can make things happen,I'll have power,and I can't let go of this just because some penniless girl is lying paralysed,draining the hospital's resources."

"Then why don't you yourself euthanise her,Jack?"

"I can't do this 'cus even in the remotest chance that I get caught,all that I've worked for is doomed."

"So,you'd rather I take the drop?Is that all you were?Have you changed?Is power the only thing that matters?What about our friendship?What about all these years?What about your talks about heart and goodness?Were those all a facade?"

"No Tom,and let me make this clear.I say what I say and I mean it,but when it comes to lookin' out for myself,I'll prioritise that above all else,even if its ethics.And as for you takin' the drop,there's almost no possibility,and even if there is,you can resign now,then I'll get promoted,and I'll get you right back in,simple.Look,I haven't changed,I've always looked after myself,just that in all these years,it never involved you.Now it does involve you and that girl,and believe me,buddy,I will not risk my sacrifice,I've given a lot for this hospital,this job,and I ask you,as an old friend,do this for me.I can't ask anything more,it's up to you.Like I said,the medicine cabinet.The nurse duty shift change is the best time.I'll distract anybody who wanders close.Do it for me,and also for the girl,you know you'd be helping her."

"DON'T YOU DARE PRETEND YOU CARE FOR HER JACK!"

"I'm not pretending anything,you're the one making judgements,Tom.You know,all this wouldn't have happened if you didn't screw up"

"Yeah?Wow,you were the one saying that I was just human,and that errors happen.Now what happened?Chameleon change colours?"

"I told you that you were not at fault so that you could feel better,Tom.But now I don't wanna tell you what you wanna hear,I wanna tell you the facts.You screwed up,it's got me in a tough position,and I'm doing all I can to convince you to just kill the bloody girl,she has no one,no one will come looking for her,we're all in the clear goddammit.I'VE SACRIFICED MY PERSONAL LIFE FOR THIS HOSPITAL,TOM,AND I'M NOT GONNA THROW IT AWAY 'CUS MY ONCE BEST FRIEND STILL LIVES IN WONDERLAND AND HOPES FOR HAPPY ENDINGS.There are no happy endings."

"Yeah,there are no happy endings Jack.And you did say one thing right.I am you "once" best friend.Get out now"

"For old times' sake Tom,do this"

Jack waited for a reaction but got none.He eventually got up and left,leaving Tom alone,with a freight train of thoughts.


7pm came faster than Tom anticipated.He walked to the post op ward.Bed 26.He looked at her sunken face,a shroud of peace over her oblivious mind.He noticed slight bed sore formation,he felt immense sorrow,sorrow beyond measure for his mistake.He sat beside her,and for the first time,he held her hands.They were rough,but warm.
"Maybe one day,we'll meet in heaven,and you'll ask me why I didn't take you away.Maybe you'll ask me why I myself didn't take care of you,dspite having the means,I'll have no answer for that.You have gone through more than I could imagine at such a young age,and I just added to your loneliness and misery.I sometimes wonder if my hand-twitch happened for a reason.I sometimes think that maybe this is good for you,'cus you'll leave this suffering.But I dunno.You persevered for so long,maybe you wanted to live and see life's store,and I would've asked you whether you wanted to live or die,but I know you'll give me only silence,and I'll have to decide for myself.......Juliet,I'm sorry that your life has been so lonely.I'm sorry that I was so impersonal when I began operating on you,I'm sorry that someone so beautiful as you had to go through so much.I know that no amount of prayer will prevent my judgement,but I'll pray every day that your soul finds peace,and I'll pray every day that someday,somewhere,sometime,we meet,and you tell me all about yourself,'cus right about now,all my thoughts revolve around you.Juliet,before I take the ultimate leap of faith,I just want you to know that you've humbled me,I dunno how,but you've changed me.If they mean anything,then I'm sorry Juliet,for everything."
He slowly went to the medicine cabinet,and took out a morphine drip bag.He replaced her glucose drip with the morphine,and increased the dosage.It was only a matter of time.He sat in painful silence.He lost track of time,but nobody came his way.Suddenly,he heard the high pitched scream of the departing soul-the flatline of the heart rate monitor.He turned it off,and replaced the glucose drip back,but before he left,he took one last look at Juliet,and whispered to himself,"I hope you leave this mad world for a paradise."


As Tom walked out from the Post Op ward,he saw Jack.jack knew from Tom's expression,that Juliet was no more.Jack gave a solemn nod to Tom.Tom didn't even acknowledge Jack.Tom went to his car,and drove to the Holy Family Church close to his house.The priest,Father James,looked at him and said,
"You looked troubled son,can I help?"
"No Padre,I just want to pray tonight."
"May the Lord be with you son",said the priest,as he gave a pleasant smile and went back to the arrangement of the candles that he was engrossed in
Tom sat on one of the empty benches,closed his eyes,and spoke to God.
"God,I still doubt my actions.A part of me thinks that I helped Juliet out of her misery,another part of me condemns me for not taking her in myself and having patience.I don't know why I did what I did God,I just did them.I'm not here to ask forgiveness,God.I'm here to ask you one favour.Please take Juliet in,please don't let her suffer,please let the poor girl be happy.And if you can God,tell me why all this is happening.....God,you gave your life so that we would love each other like you loved us,you forgave us despite the gravest injustice and cruelty we committed against you,you did all this so that there would be good in this world,so that there'd be love.Now,don't you see what's happening?Or did you die knowing that all this would happen?Or was there another reason all together for your death?I keep wondering if my whole perception of you,and of right and wrong is upside down.I dunno.But I pray that it is not upside down,and I pray that you be with me,so that I can face tomorrow."
Tom kept his eyes closed for a few more minutes,just saying prayers for Juliet.He never said a prayer for his own soul,asking forgiveness,not because he was arrogant enough to believe what he did was right,but because he left his judgement for the future,because he still could not tell if what he did was right or wrong.He still didn't know why he listened to Jack,he still didn't know why he didn't take Juliet in,even though a part of him told him to care for her.He didn't know....


Tom drove to the hospital once again,and immediately walked to Kate's office.She was surprised to see him.
"Hello Tom,I thought you were having a couple of days off!What brings you back?"

"Kate,I'll no longer return to work here,draft the resignation papers and send them to me,I'll sign them as soon as I get it.You can cite the reason as health concern.And don't bother trying to convince me otherwise Kate,my stand is final."

"As much as it pains me to see such a wonderful surgeon leave,we can't keep you without your
will.I'll send the papers tomorrow morning itself."

Kate gave a sympathetic smile,a smile which made Tom reek.He knew that she was in on all this with Jack,yet she was being diplomatic.Nothing in this world was what it seemed,everybody had another face.Tom wondered,could goodness ever exist in this world?He went to the lounge to collect his few belongings from the locker.On the way down,he stopped by the reception,and bade goodbye to Maria.


Two Years Later:
Tom sat down on his sofa after a hard day's work.Private practice wasn't easy,but it didn't have such grave consequences.He stayed alone in his big apartment,earning enough to last a lifetime.But he trusted nobody,Jack was his last mistake.After cooking and eating dinner alone at his table,he finished all the chores,and decided to turn in for the night.But before that,he turned his table lamp on,opened his drawer,and pulled out a diary.It was the diary in which he wrote all his feelings down in.After all,he too needed a place to vent.He loved his diary a lot,because it always listened to what he had to say,never opposing,never saying hurtful things,always knowing what was in his mind.He sometimes wished that he would receive some word of encouragement or love from the very diary he held dear,so he gave his diary an identity in his mind.He imagined his diary to be a beautiful girl,about 25 years of age,with long brown hair,thin brows,blue eyes and pink lips.He always imagined her to wear a long yellow skirt,with a blue chain around her neck,and long ear-rings.He gave her a voice,and he imagined himself talking to her,and he imagined her talking to him.To him,she was everything,and he imagined he was everything to her.He would start and end his day with this figment of his imagination,his diary.But to him,everything seemed real.He treated the girl in his mind with respect,love,and he imagined to be the person who did everything to make her happy.He gave her a name too.It was the name he used to address his diary.After writing his thoughts down,he'd sit and re-read the writing,and he'd imagine speaking those words to his imaginary princess,and he'd imagine her listening and replying.It was a small indulgence,not craziness.His favourite part,however,was always the last moment he spent with her every day.His words of goodnight,and imaginary kiss,as he whispered to her ears,"Goodnight Juliet"...........

My Thoughts On Love

I dunno if most share my view or not,but at least I know I have a view,and I'm sticking to it.I look around and I see many of my friends dating,many in relationships,many in so called "love".Obviously,I kinda get jealous.but most think I get jealous cus I'm not that good looking so i wont ever get into a relationship.Well,I cant predict the future,I can hope right?But when I see some people,I get jealous cus of the mutual feeling.The mutual respect,the mutual understanding,the mutual adoration,the need to be with each other.The feeling as if you're just a half part of a whole.I get jealous cus i guess I'll never get that mutual feeling from somebody.Yet,I love fully (maybe it isnt love,but I like calling it love),I give attention,I give respect,I give importance,I give time,I give my patience.So,my perception of love isnt just abt getting married or making out or having sex or flirting or giving expensive gifts.It's about the need to be with the significant other.Its about the need to make the other happy.Its about the need spend every moment together,and not regret even one second of it.Its about becoming a whole,and forgetting the individual halves.Its about facing life together,its about commitment.Its about making the other feel needed,and at the same time,being there for the other no matter what misunderstanding or what difference in views.I view love as the ultimate form of altruism.
I remember watching a movie,Good Will Hunting,where a psychologist (played absolutely beautifully by Robin Williams) says the following lines:




"I ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable— known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you. That could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it’s like to be her angel. To have that love for her, be there for forever. Through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term 'visiting hours' don't apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much."


Now,that's exactly how I see love,real love,unconditional love that goes way beyond what the world sees and feels.Such love is so rare,only the two lovers will know its beauty.No book,no movie,no song can replicate its beauty or its importance.
That's my view of love,and I've written so much about it cus I keep thinking about it.Maybe such love exists,maybe it doesn't.You never know till you feel it.I haven't felt it yet,as in,I've given everything for somebody,but it wasnt reciprocated.So,tough though it was,I moved on cus that wasn't real love.I'm 16,you may probably be laughing your ass off,thinking "What the hell is a damn 16 year old being so romantic about", but i cant explain it.It's a thirst in me to be a part of something so noble,so altruistic.cus when in such love,you cant live without your partner,and your partner can't live without you.Two halves make one.It's the "one" that I view as real love.I dunno if most kids my age think of love this way,hence I've refrained from posting it till now.....

Utopia........And A Little More

'Today' is not yet over. It's just evening. It may not be fair from my part to talk about the day's happenings, since the day isn't over yet. But before something sad comes my way, I want to share my joy, the joy I possess due to the fact that I came close to finding Utopia today.
In order to share today's events, let me first take you back in time. An annual tournament held nationwide, known as Horlicks Wiz Kids, chooses three people to represent the particular State. But due to the fierce competition coupled with immense display of talent, the judges decided to allow the participants to start a social movement to do good, as part of a project which would determine their qualification. A friend of mine was one such competitor. She started "Take My Hand". It was simple. Supporters would go and spend time with certain underprivileged people, with the sole aim to spread happiness. After all, happiness too is important, as important as money or food or shelter.


So began the fortnightly visits to Advitya,a humble abode where the mentally challenged are taken care of. I missed the first visit as my coaching class came in the way. But for the second visit, I decided to go, despite the coaching class being there. I would rather spend an hour spreading cheer than solve Pseudo Force and Trigonometry sums.


I went with a nervous heart.I thought I would be depressed seeing the mentally challenged. But I was proven wrong. I went there with my friends to spread joy, but I think it was the people in Advitya who spread the happiness to us. I walked out happy. That place was, in every right, Utopia. Everywhere you looked you saw smiling faces. All of the residents were way older than me and my friends, but they bonded and enjoyed with us. I guess mentally, all of us were on the same page as all of them. All of them loved to sing, dance, tease each other. They had the innocence which is lost in all of us so called "intelligent" people. When we left, they all asked us to come the very next week. I remember a man, Cyrus, whom I had befriended. He told me, "Next time you come, I'll sing better than everybody else". He showed the joy of a child being given the most prized toy of all.


I guess words can't describe the joy, and the beauty of God's work. The joy I felt was the very same joy I feel after watching a good film. This is the first time something in this real world gave such joy. You could get lost in it.


I came back home, and like always, I spent my joyous moments with my beloved films. Million Dollar Baby. I shall not go into the details, suffice it to say that I've never seen human emotions so honestly portrayed. Its been good. Now the final twist.


I did not tell my mother or father that I went to Advitya. I told them that I had an extra class. I feel they know I was lying, judging by their stern behaviour and impatience all of a sudden. The thing is, I like keeping certain things to myself. Maybe "certain" is an understatement, maybe there's a lot. I am happy that I write my thoughts down, be it unending teen angst or a poem about a butterfly. I'm happy that I have this blog to post my writings. It gives me space. Even if I'm known to be someone I'm not, it's good because I know who I am. I share my writings with only a handful of people, that too is an exaggeration in its own right. But it keeps relationships special. It may be that I want someone to know what I feel. But even that, I now feel, is unnecessary. You are your own hero, idol, villain, guide. But if you are reading this because I asked you to, then please remember, I trust you. I just wanted to share a little of my joy, a little of my soul. I can never express it completely, for it has to be experienced and not read. Happiness exists in the unlikeliest of places, in the smallest of rooms and most hidden corners. So does Utopia.  You just need to be patient, and pointed in the right direction.


I'll never forget today......




Well,that was last monday,27th of September. Since then, I realised my prediction did come true, regarding my parents that is. A whole shitstorm (pardon my language, shitstorm really matches the situation) did happen, I got all my saved cash taken away, my computer rights taken away, along with my cell and joy. Yes, it was hell. But after all was said and done, I can still say this- I'm not guilty. Is it my fault to feel the need to keep things to myself? It's not like I went to do drugs or drink booze :P
So, before going to bed that day, I said a thank you to God, for the whole day's experiences, the good ones as well as the bad, for if it weren't for the good experiences, the bad wouldn't be there either. They are like two sides of a coin. You don't get one side as a single package, you get both, and its just a matter of time before the coin toss results in the other side. It is true, too much happiness and you will cry. But I'm okay with that. Cus a few moments of happiness to me is worth more than my life itself.....
That's it for now. Goodnight dear reader :)

Wake Me, Sleeping Beauty........

This poem was influenced by a dialogue from one of my favourite video games-Max Payne.In the game,Max says "All this time we got the fable of Sleeping Beauty wrong. The prince didn't kiss her to wake her up. No one who slept for a hundred years is likely to wake up. It was the other way round. He kisses her to wake himself up from the nightmare that has brought him there".....Well,the rest is self explanatory,sort of my own take on the dialogue,or rather,my expansion of it

The first thing I notice is your pale countenance,

Undisturbed by my intrusive presence,

Your red lips still preserve your beautiful essence,

And I seek a boon at the end of this penance.

I edge closer and closer,

Trying not to disturb your peaceful slumber,

But before I cross the final frontier,

I hesitate and remember.

It was the time when I was still a child,

Or so I thought in my mind,

All it took was a fleeting glance,

And I ignored all that could chance.

Soon, you were gone, I was alone,

I saw the cruel world, it had no soul,

The pain and sorrow was too much to bear,

Everything else too little for me to care.

I turned to the aged minister for advice,

But it was just like throwing a dice,

By chance it led me some place,

I didn't notice the chance due to my haste.

I began thinking I was dreaming,

That the whole world represented my sanity fleeing,

Maybe reality was a different cup of tea,

Some place where all could equally see.

I convinced myself that I was living an illusion,

Erasing it became my mission,

I had no idea how or why,

So I aimlessly wandered, looking at the sky.

Then I remembered the day I got smitten,

Everything about you had me gotten,

I remember you made me forget everything,

The same bliss I wanted to experience to stop pretending.

I searched for you far and wide,

Faces I met, so different from my kind,

I searched for you in so many places,

Your tower was more imposing than the shadow of Colossus.

I stand before your glass bed,

All I want is for you to wake me up,

I wish to not disturb your sleep,

I wish to see the real world and end the pain,

For once, I need real bliss,

So I stand before you as your Prince Charming,

I close my eyes and touch your miraculously moist lips,

Set me free, Sleeping Beauty,

Awaken me, Sleeping Beauty,

Give me peace, Sleeping Beauty,

As you continue to slumber in oblivion,

I kiss you on your lips,

But I still keep my eyes closed for fear of failure,

Help me, Wake me, Oh Sleeping Beauty........

The Ballad Of A Grieving Man

Its been seven years since we spiralled out of control,

The image of the glass shards still vivid in my mind,

I woke up to blinding light,

The whiteness felt like bliss,

The bliss that made the physical pain go away,

The bliss that hid the pains to come,

Blackness engulfed me once again.

I woke up in a rainy afternoon,

They told me I had slept for two long days,

That I barely survived,

My two passengers were not so lucky,

They had left me behind,

The engulfing black was heaven's gates closing,

I had a rain of my own inside,

A rain of salty tears.

Father,Mother,friends,cousins-they all came,

They offered a shoulder to cry on,

From their mouths escaped words of consolation,

Words that they knew went to deaf ears,

I wanted to tear myself apart,

For not having said goodbye.

Julia and I fought on the downward slope,

My anger literally made me blind,

And now,they both were buried without my presence,

The funeral was on that rainy afternoon.

I asked my best friend to describe it,

Julia had a long black coffin, the usual,

And my beautiful Sarah had the little one,

The one that would melt the coldest heart,

Everyone reassured me that everything was beyond my control.

I begged to differ,

Silently I returned back home.

The big hall was eerily empty,

Sarah's piercing laughter gone,

I entered my baby girl's room,

Her little bed still had her smell,

I noticed her table, it had her books,

I saw her childish handwriting,

"Mummy and Daddy,the best in the world",

I clutched the book and walked upstairs.

I locked away the book in my drawer,

Then i looked at a small cube like box,

It had a large diamond ring,

The ring Julia had wanted to buy six years ago,

But we couldn't afford it then,

This was supposed to be my gift to her.

I fetched my diary and began to read,

The day I got married to Julia,

Her overflowing white dress,

The silent chapel, her glowing white face,

Pink with blush, eyes shining with eagerness,

Her long black hair open, adding to her magnificent visage,

She held my hand tightly, surrendering to my protection,

I swore to keep her safe,

I broke my oath.

The years of waiting,

Until one day, Julia put my palm on her soft belly,

I knew we would have a daughter,

She was born on a sunny Sunday,

I felt the whole world echoed my joy,

Her baby cries, her first wobbly steps,

Her face resembling her beautiful mother,

Her first word,"Mama",her learning to talk,

 Her tiny hands, soft skin, and her limp lifeless body came back.

I clutched my diary and weeped,

Weeped like never before,

Weeped ever long,

Until my tired body could take no more,

I tried to remember why I was angry, why we fought,

I wished the reasons were good and not pathetic.

I swore to punish myself for taking away,

Two kind and beautiful souls,

I drank, I worked, and drank again,

Erasing everyone who mattered,

I said hurtful things, they condemned me,

It was all part of my sentence.

I lost my job, there was only so much they could tolerate,

I allowed people to pity me,

I took a knife and cut myself,

Just to see if I bled,

Just to see if I was in a dream,

Red drops of sorrow did escape,

I was wide awake.

Now I look in the mirror,

Those lines, white hair, tiredness and pain,

They all show on my face,

Seven years of punishment, well deserved,

But any more I cannot take.

Maybe they would hate me for who I am,

Maybe Julia would no longer find me handsome,

Maybe Sarah would look at me and run away afraid,

Unbearable thoughts flashed, but it didn't matter,

They were all gone.

I have patiently paid my price,

Seven years of  self induced punishment,

Now I perform the last rites,

I open the locked drawer, take out the ring,

I take out Sarah's book,

I lock everything and walk out, not looking back.

I go to their graves, one big gravestone and one tiny,

I place the ring, the book and my diary,

I whisper, "I should've been here",

And I walk towards my final destination.

I stand on top of the bridge,

The sea beneath foaming in its angry waves,

I decide to end my punishment,

I want to see my beautiful ladies,

I jump, there are no onlookers,

The cold water enters my lungs,

I see a white light,

I wonder if its heaven's doors,

The same doors that closed seven years ago,

But now I surround it with my own blackness,

As my heart squeezes out one last red tear,

I end this ballad of a grieving soul.

Now that was long,its just a story I thought up,but since there was hardly enough material to make it into a proper story,I found it better to make it a poem.Sorry for boring you with something so long.....